04:11 pm
17 December 2017

Alcohol Tsunami Floods Provo With Fear, Unease

Alcohol Tsunami Floods Provo With Fear, Unease

Heineken beer canAdam Nelson, Utah Valley student, was walking back to his    apartment last Tuesday afternoon when he saw a metal glimmer that  caught his eye.

“I wondered what it was, so I went and looked, and lo and behold: It was beer,” Adam said.

Shocked by what he saw, Adam immediately notified the apartment manager.

“I told him, and he got a sort of disgusted look on his face and said he would do his best to find the culprit,” Adam said. “It is just weird. You expect this sort of thing in New York, sometimes even Salt Lake City, but never Provo.” A local forensics unit is on the case right now, conducting fingerprint scans and analyzing other potentially incriminating evidence that might lead to the guilty beer consumer. “We can’t really talk much about it, but suffice to say, our search is narrowing,” said a spokesman for the forensics unit.

Apartment residents have been questioned to see if they have seen any suspicious activities that could lead to an arrest, and some were even interrogated. This led to some potential leads, according to Provo authorities, but as of yet, no arrest has been made. Police are denying the alleged use of waterboarding to obtain information.

Apartment resident John Stephensen had an interesting account to share: “I was going to my car, and I saw another fellow acting somewhat strange, and thought that he might be drunk. He was slurring his words — jumping around all crazy. I think I would know, because I used to drink beer sometimes.” Still, John thought nothing of it, until he found out the news. “I came home from work, and first thing my roommate tells me was this. I was like, ‘Dude, no way!’ Then I went to my room because he is kind of annoying. But it’s sad, really.”

But the question we have to ask ourselves is “Why?” Why beer? Some say it’s because of the alcohol content. Others don’t know. Local human behavioral analyst and LDS Family Services employee Sheryl Strawn says, “The fundamental reason why someone would do this is because they are trying to escape reality.”

“Instead of dealing with his or her real problems, this person has decided to sink into alcoholism. It’s a downward slope more slippery than an armada of banana peels,” Strawn said.

Despite Strawn’s warnings against the hops-filled fluid, others remain skeptical. “Its not a big deal,” said Provo resident Danny Clayton. “Its just fun to drink sometimes. This hype is ridiculous.”

This may be true, but if the “apartment drunk” is apprehended, he or she will nonetheless be penalized or possibly even evicted. If the culprit attends BYU, then a worse situation is at hand.

Police are asking everybody in the area to keep a lookout for the drunkard, and report any suspicious activity, such as jovial laughter, aggressively slurred speech, crude language, puking, or excessively quoting cliche college movies.

“I think it was Derek,” said apartment resident Brian Tapp. Yet, after looking into it, authorities found out that Derek hooked up with Tapp’s ex, and his accusation was only made in spite.

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