AMERICAN FORK — Area saint Jacob Pehrson received a clean bill of health from his oncologist on Friday, and knows whom to credit for his good fortune.
“I have a testimony of the truth of the LDS church, and my faith in my religion is strong. I believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us: to have joy and to become more like Him. And,” Pehrson added, “I believe the sustained consumption of Tahitian Noni is central to His plan for health of body, mind, and spirit.”
Payrolled experts agree with Jacob’s ecclesiastical statement. Don Parley, Lab Techtician and Product Re-vangelist for Morinda, Inc. (parent company of Tahitian Noni), had this to say:
“Since our multi-state legal settlement, we have been effectively barred from marketing any specific health benefits we cannot provide evidence for. This has led to some confusion, as evidenced by the response to our current ad series, ‘Maybe, Wink, Shrug’. But tying this shit to God? Yeah. It could work.”
Jacob Pehrson has never been diagnosed with cancer, and as a lifelong non-smoker/non-drinker, is statistically unlikely to be at major risk for most serious forms of the disease. But Pehrson has nothing but hope for the so-called “statistinists” who would use statistics as a basis to doubt the redeeming power of Noni active ingredient morinda citrifolia, and/or Jesus Christ.
“I invite all to take a drink and then examine, with a sincere heart, and real intent, if the truth of the celestial nature of this product has manifested unto them,” said Pehrson. “Oh, and there’s another testimony of Jesus Christ you should ask about.”
Pehrson’s oncologist said in a prepared, written statement: “We’re XanGo people. No comment.”