02:01 pm
19 October 2017

Many Utahns Worried We Might Not Get Mired Enough in Syria

Many Utahns Worried We Might Not Get Mired Enough in Syria
Syria independence flag flying over during a protest - by FreedomHouse

SALT LAKE CITY- With the Iraq war having ended ages ago, and the war in Afghanistan really winding down, many local Republicans are worried that soon there might not even be one war going on.

“We barely have a very good war going on right now,” growled TJ Priebus, a local business owner. “It’s a damned shame.”

When asked about how many goosebumps they get everywhere at the prospects of a new protracted war in practically any Middle Eastern country at all, many have reported “almost completely covered.”

Some we spoke with, however, seemed concerned that we “might just not get mired enough” in a Syrian intervention.

“I mean, just how serious is [President] Bara[c]k Hussein [Obama] about getting mired anyways?” groans Tom Christensen. “I just don’t trust someone that hates America, when it comes to gettin’ mired really bad. Would to God we had Mitt right about now.”

In a telephone survey administered to 1000 registered Republican households, when asked how bad they wished we’d just get mired in Syria for once, a staggering 96% answered in the affirmative, with “way bad or more.”

Syria independence flag flying over during a protest - by FreedomHouse

Syria independence flag flying over during a protest – by FreedomHouse

“It just seems like a damned no brainer. I mean, with all the Al Qaeda activity goin’ on, if we don’t do somethin’ quick, Syria is just gonna do a bunch of terrorist attacks at us. Too many spineless Democrats take their freedom for granite,[sic]” yelled Tom.

When asked whether hurrying and getting mired would give this slow-assed economy a boost finally for God’s sake, several people seemed optimistic. “It seems obvious to me. If we want our freedoms, and for this Obama recession to ever even end, Syria might be the answer. I wish we was doin’ Iran. But hey, at least it’s something,” shouted Tom.

Despite the soul shattering cognitive dissonance, one or more Republicans seemed optimistic about the way President Obama and Secretary Kerry have been handling the recent hideous gas tragedy on the outskirts of Damascus.

“Well, they don’t seem to be totally screwing the pooch on this,” hollered Pat Stevensen, a local Tea Party patriot, “but we’ll see.”

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