10:15 pm
15 December 2017

Court: Miss Riverton Way Too Pretty to be Accountable for Actions

Court: Miss Riverton Way Too Pretty to be Accountable for Actions
Guilty! (pleasure). No way is she losing this case.
Guilty! (pleasure). No way is she losing this case.

Guilty! (pleasure). No way is she losing this case.

Echoing dismayed cries and internet comments around the state, the courts have ruled that Kendra Gill is just a silly girl and therefore cannot be held accountable for endangering the lives and limbs of others when she threw bottle bombs out of a moving vehicle.

Gill, who was recently chosen to represent her city as Miss Riverton, is not seen as enough of a representative or indeed an adult, to be reasonable enough to not choose to endanger the lives of her own Riverton people by teaming up with three others to throw homemade bombs at them. “Obviously, she is small and blond and has a cute little button nose,” said her attorney H. Norm Ahtiev. “Anything she has done that could have put others in harm’s way was just a silly mistake. Look at her. Look at her.”

“I don’t mind seeing her in the news so much, she’s so pretty,” said supporter Lucas Hazz, “but these charges are just ridiculous!” On the one reasonable action she has taken in the public eye — which was to resign her position as Miss Riverton — all he could say was, “That’s just sad.”

The felony charges for making and throwing homemade bombs that can cause serious damage to property and to organisms, even possibly resulting in death, should be reduced to misdemeanors if not dismissed altogether, supporters say.

“My client was supposed to be leaving on his mission, representing the Church and his family and the state of Utah to other communities,” said Cori Antumer, attorney for Bryce Stone, the driver of the vehicle. “But these court proceedings are preventing his departure.” He added that his client was a basketball star and 4.0 average student, which, in addition to him being a good boy and going to church, should prove that his part in these dangerous activities was minimal.

MissRivertonNews2“They just wanted to scare their friends,” said Antumer. “It’s not an uncommon activity among juveniles in this area.” Indeed, one may assume that Riverton juveniles are laughing childishly as they toss adorable little bombs at each other, at this very moment.

The citizens of Riverton on the receiving end of the bombs have not been heard from. It is rumored they are hiding in their basements, not only from people throwing bombs, but from the torch and pitchfork group that has vowed revenge for their daring to press charges against the poor little silly pretty girl they had chosen to represent their entire community.

As of yet, there is no word on which party will take the responsibility for these life- threatening actions, but it is assumed they will be much, much uglier.

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