In a stunning reversal, a flabbergasted President Obama scaled back threats of military strikes against Syria.
Obama claims he wouldn’t have been so vigilant on attacking the Middle East — both the geopolitical region and the RISK territory — if Senior Advisor to the President David Plouffe hadn’t stacked the area so heavily with artillery game pieces.
“Look. Plouffe clumped a majority of his forces there to begin with. I’ve boardgamed with him for years. He knows my sore spots. Even though I could hunt and peck away at his lesser-stacked territories across the board, he knew, he KNEW I would go straight for the Middle East. No matter what I said before the game, no matter how much I said I’d like to avoid the task, he knew I’d attack. He’s right.”
Out of the forty-two available territories, the Nobel Peace Prize winner decided to go right ahead and attack the Middle East. He didn’t wait for support from other nations, because, “Look. Frankly, they don’t know what they are talking about, I mean [those nations] are [those nations], know what I mean?”
The president nary batted an eye when it was mentioned that as a candidate, he said, “the president does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation.”
Obama became visibly agitated when he realized that most of the support offered him was coming from, oh god of all places, France. “Look. You know, sometimes support will come from the strangest of places. Hand me the red dice. HAND ME THE RED DICE.”
It has been 30 years since a president has attacked a foreign nation without gathering broad international support or acting in imminent defense of Americans. Most of Obama’s supporters weren’t even alive when the swashbuckling Reagan decided that Grenada was fair game.
“Woah, wait, wait? Syria? No! I was totally talking about the boardgame. I wanted to attack Plouffe’s territory. That rascal. All these phone calls and meetings and documents were talking about the world OUT THERE? Yikes. Sorry guys, kinda got ahead of myself there. It’s the preseason for the Bears, I’m just antsy to see how their season turns out. My head’s in a weird place. I’ve got a lot of hope in Jay Cutler as a leader.”