PAYSON, UT– Payson residents were excited this week after a surprise announcement detailing upcoming changes to the town’s annual festival. After the parade on Monday, Mayor Rick Moore revealed that this year’s Golden Onion Days would be the last celebration held under that name. Starting next year, Payson City’s Labor Day festivities will be held under the name “Blue Meth Days”.
Mayor Moore gave a speech this morning, orating on the break towards bad.
“And so, for 84 years now, Payson has been known for two things: onions, and life-shattering substance abuse. But we continue to emphasize the onions. Always with the onions. Well, my friends, I say no more. Its time we embraced our heritage as a desert-fringed methtopia, and show the world what our rag-tag RVs can cook.”
After several seconds of glowering, Moore added, menacingly, “I am the danger.”
The change comes as a move by the city to lean in to its established public image as a methamphetamine fueled no man’s land, where meth is cheap, and life is cheaper.
“It makes sense, so why fight it,” asks Rocia Provstgaard, City PR Consultant. “Breaking Bad as a TV show has rekindled America’s love of methamphetamine. It’s fun to be feening again. And yet, the show is ending within the month. Who is going to fill that speed vacuum next year? AMC? Ephraim? Genola? Please, we have more meth in our morning piss froth than they have in their entire organizations. To create and use a Jesse Pinkman quote: ‘We’re Heisenberg, bitch.'”
(UPDATE: Payson City’s PR Department contacted us to say “Ms. Provstgaard’s comments were intended as color commentary, and not a factual statement about the level of meth use by the citizens of Ephraim.”)
Public opinion seems to support the move. Hollow-cheeked local Justine Hordney offered her reasoning for support, saying “Whoever named anything good after an onion?”
The Payson City Calendar has already been updated online to include a “Blue Meth ‘Lookalike’ Cookout” and a “Scratch ‘Till You Bleed Country Jamboree”, with dates still TBA.