SALT LAKE CITY, UT– Leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were thrilled Monday to learn that their years of emphasizing social sexlessness had finally paid off.
SLC Comic Con 2013 brought a record-breaking 80,000 devoted celibates to the Salt Palace Convention Center last week; just spitting distance from the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. This is good news for aging church Brethren, who often fear that their message of unwavering sexual fastidiousness is dismissed in today’s twerk-a-day world.
“In fact, our message is resonating more strongly than ever, and events like this prove it,” says Elder Randall Cordney, president of the Elder’s Sub-Quorum for Intemerate Living and Social Attitude Resiliency.
“In the 18 years since “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” our church’s message of love and essentialist gender roles, we’ve seen a startling transformation in society. Now, people of all ages can come to Salt Lake City, and experience pure love of each others’ company, without threat of the complications of sexual fulfillment.”
Elder Cordney went on to add, “This weekend our brethren and sisters were vestally socializing by the tens of thousands, without a whiff of sexual possibility to be had. All within sight of the spires of the Temple. I think that’s pretty special. I think that’s pretty Utah.”
Not everyone agrees with Elder Cordney’s assertions, however. Thaddeus Stanton, chair of the Cryptozoological Studies Center in downtown Murray, and the National Animorph Relations Society, as well as long-time San Diego Comic Con attendee, said “Well, I could have made something happen last week if I’d have wanted to. I’m just in a place right now where I want to work on me for a while. But really, I could have.”
Still, Cordney’s take on a nut-bust-free environment within Comic Con specifically, and downtown SLC in general, is one many will find dishearteningly difficult to disagree with.