04:17 pm
17 December 2017

City Creek Center to Open Disco-themed Dance Club Called Quorum of the ‘70s

Now saints can cut a rug without the drug(s).

Now saints can cut a rug without the drug(s).

In a move considered bold by many, City Creek Center has announced plans for a sprawling multilevel discotheque nightclub with a family friendly twist.

At a press conference held earlier this morning Gary Stevenson, presiding bishop of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, revealed an architectural rendering of the proposed nightclub. “For many of us in the Mormon church we missed out on so many of the activities that made the disco era great,” said Stevenson. “We hope Saints who might have felt weird about getting funky 35 years ago will seize this opportunity to shake their groove things in a club that respects the teachings of the restored gospel.”

The nightclub, which will be called Quorum of the ‘70s, promises to have many of the amenities found in New York’s Studio 54 in disco’s heyday. Patrons can expect to see a gigantic disco ball and lit dance floor, as well as shirtless bartenders–though this time around they will be serving up alcohol free “mocktails.”

“You see pictures of the disco scene back in the day and you have to admit that it looks like people were having a good time,” said City Creek Center spokesperson Carolyn Robbins. “We think this project can capture all of the fun energy of the 1970s without all the, you know, icky stuff.”

Chances are good that you won’t find Bianca Jagger doing lines of cocaine in the VIP area but club promoters expect notable Utah luminaries will be seen getting down with their bad selves. “I will be in line opening night, you can count on that,” said former KSL anchor Dick Nourse. “And there better be some KC and the Sunshine Band playing or there will be heck to pay!”

“You won’t find people having sex in the bathrooms I assure you,” said Stevenson. “But you will find changing tables and plenty of space for nursing mothers to attend to their child’s needs.”

In addition to the disco Stevenson also announced plans for a high-end vegan restaurant called Nourish & Strengthen. “For far too long the fringe elements of society have dictated what constitutes healthy eating,” said Stevenson as he passed out samples of the restaurant’s signature dish Get Thee Hence Seitan. “We think Nourish & Strengthen can provide a safe space for Saints to experience meatless eating to do the body the good it needs, free from the influence of hippies and communists.”

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