02:15 pm
20 November 2017

Utah Football Players Exhorted by BYU Fans To Be Immediately Immersed in Water in Response To Abhorrent Immersed in Water Incident

Utah Football Players Exhorted by BYU Fans To Be Immediately Immersed in Water in Response To Abhorrent Immersed in Water Incident

UtesBaptismRivalry week activated the modestly-covered thin skin of BYU fans after a video surfaced of University of Utah football players immersing one another into contained areas of water. BYU fans ignited with righteous indignation and demanded the players repent of being dunked in the water by being dunked in the water by baptism.

“You see, a sin of this degree — being immersed fully under water by another man — can only be washed away by being immersed fully under water by another man. It’s as clear as water to me that this is what must be done” said Hyde Seegrets, Stake President of BYU’s 956th-978th wards and member of the Cougar Club. “How can these kids even know what they are getting into when they allow themselves to be fully immersed under water by another man? Aren’t they like 18 years old? Way too young to understand by my calculations.”

Social media erupted with anger along the Wasatch Front, with many Twitter users stating that they know and appreciate good humor when they see it, but no, there was a clear line crossed with this brazen display of men-led immersion in water.

The video appeared on the player’s Instagram feed on Aug. 23, and was deleted less than a month later. Utah’s head coach Kyle Wittingham released a statement in regard to the video, “We have addressed this issue with our players, and although it was poor judgement on their part, there was absolutely no malice or disrespect intended towards any particular religion or rite.” Seegrets responded to Wittingham’s response and said, “He is so full of crap. What sins is Wittingham hiding? He knows exactly what his players were doing. I’m glad we have Bronco as a coach, since Wittingham supports sinning way too much.”

Beehive Bugle tried speaking to the local LDS missionaries to see if they’ve been contacted to teach the wayward Utes, but they appeared to be too busy standing near the entrance of the Cheesecake Factory at City Creek smiling and waving at each entering patron for seemingly no apparent reason whatsoever.

 

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