SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Before the two moved in together, Gerald Webb and Eric White had a friendship onlookers described as charming. But lately, it is Charmin that has been a wedge in their relationship.
Allegedly, White has not purchased toilet paper for the apartment bathroom for one straight month even though it is his turn – at least that’s what Webb says. White has a different story to tell on the matter.
“He would say that, but it’s more complicated,” said White. “He expects me to buy toilet paper now after he bought the low-grade, gone in a half-hour rolls that only cost a couple bucks. The time before, I had bought double-ply jumbo rolls that last way longer. So in his mind, buying the same amount of lesser quality AND quantity rolls is even? Not a chance, no way Jose.”
And yet Webb claims that he uses far less toilet paper than White, timing his toilet visits so that after using it in the morning, he heads straight for the shower. He says this combined with a later visit to the john at work means he hardly touches the toilet paper rolls at home and is therefore not as beholden to supplying the bathroom tissue as often.
“If he wants to talk about false equivalence, OK, let’s go there,” said Webb. “He is always blowing his nose or doing God knows what else with the t.p. Like I’ve said, I time my bathroom visits so that I hardly use any of it. He is responsible for the lion’s share of toilet paper consumption. He sure knows how to spin the facts and massage the numbers though, I’ll give him that.”
The fracas doesn’t end there, however. White rebuttals with a trenchant ‘bullshit’ to Webb’s claim of lesser usage. Rather than address whether he is the primary consumer of the apartment toilet paper, White says the fact that Webb is extremely upset at his current keeping of the Charmin stash under lock and key proves his point.
“If he really doesn’t use toilet paper, which he says he doesn’t, then why is he upset about the fact that I keep the new rolls I bought inside my room?” said White. “Why would it matter? I’ll go on record and say the only reason it matters is because he’s lying. He does in fact use toilet paper — like anybody does — but he doesn’t want to be a team player and take responsibility.”
Not standing for such statements that he calls libelous and mean-spirited, Webb says he is only upset at White’s t.p. hoarding because of the message a roll-less bathroom sends to guests and female visitors to the apartment. He believes it fails to communicate a message of adult responsibility and instead promotes one of slackerdom, poor hygiene, and petty bickering.
“I don’t mind so much, because like I said, I don’t use it,” said Webb. “But I do have friends over sometimes, and it’s embarrassing for both them and myself when there’s no t.p. I bought the last bunch, it’s his turn now, he uses the most, so it only makes sense he should buy higher quantity. I refuse to baby him with free handouts of toilet paper.”
With both sides so dogmatic in their stance and embroiled so deeply in the conflict, it would seem to the outside observer that the whole toilet tissue imbroglio is more likely to worsen before it gets better.
“We both want peace and harmony,” said Webb. “A resolution would be nice, but frankly I don’t see how that’s going to happen.”
At press time, bilateral talks had been unsuccessful and ended in bitter feelings.