09:39 pm
17 October 2017

Utah vs. BYU: Holy ***

Utah vs. BYU: Holy ***
The message is the same, whether in Lavell Edwards Stadium or IKEA.
The message is the same, whether in Lavell Edwards Stadium or IKEA.

The message is the same, whether in Lavell Edwards Stadium or IKEA.

Tonight the BYU Cougars host the Utah Utes in Lavell Edwards Stadium — the erroneously named “Rivalry Week” due to its non-Novemberness — in what is shaping up to be quite a battle on both the grid- and the Facebookiron.

Fans were quick to change profile pictures and cover photos and reenter terms like “Harline” and “Scott Mitchell” into the collective consciousness. Heavily-pixelated photos of years past are making rounds on Instagram and something we’re told is called “Pinterest.”

We at the Bugle haven’t seen this many white people fight since the third-to-last episode of “Frasier” aired. The following smacktalk was observed at IKEA, where this correspondent found Mathoni Young and his friends devouring Swedish meatballs.

“Utes are totally the type of Mormons that pronounce it Zarahelma instead of Zarahemla. They’re basically all Korihor-mongers as well,” said Mathoni Young, inducing bracelet-jangling high-fives from friends, who, for this week alone, changed out of the terror-bright orange Vivint gear to sport good ole Blue & White. “Just know that if you see someone in a red tie blessing the sacrament on Sunday, it’s probably best to score your Liquid Repentance from another ward,” said Young, smiling.

Utah fans didn’t take the loudly-screamed criticism lightly, calling the BYU fans names such as “Guilt-Hoarding Philanderers” and “Xenophobe: Warrior Princesses.”

Mathoni Young then R[o]se and Shout[ed] to verbally assail a passerby wearing a Utes hat, “Hey, freaking moron, are you ready to be stomped at Temple Hill this Saturday?” The Utah cardiology student, Allen Browning, said, “Oh, is the football game in Provo this year?” to which Young fumed, “Yeah, idiot, you’re pretty freaking dumb, which makes sense since you’re a Utes fan.”

A nonplussed Browning placed his itemized list down (the VITTSJÖ shelving unit was circled with exclamation marks; the Sophomore must have great things in store for the tempered glass and black-brown metal case), and said, “You know, if you were to actually interact with a U of U student, you might see your surface-level assumptions debunked in an Alice-Cooper-in-Wayne’s-World way.”

“My parents didn’t let me watch Wayne’s World,” said Young.

“Exactly.”

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