04:37 am
18 January 2018

Area Mormons Can’t Wait to Sleep Through General Conference

Area Mormons Can’t Wait to Sleep Through General Conference
Apostle Richard G. Scott's speaking voice is particularly adept at sedating listeners.

LDS Apostle Richard G. Scott lulling listeners into holy slumber.

As what happens with semiannual regularity, Mormons will gather this weekend in homes, chapels, and the Conference Center in Salt Lake City in order to hear from church authorities whom they consider to be divinely inspired.  Jeffrey Todd, a local member of the LDS Church, conveyed the excitement felt by many Mormons as they prepare for the upcoming conference.

“In these troubling times, it’s just such a blessing to be able to hear from a prophet of God,” Todd enthusiastically explained. “President Thomas S. Monson is the mouthpiece of the Lord, a Modern-day Moses. And the Twelve Apostles are also considered prophets, seers, and revelators. I can’t wait to sleep through all of their talks.”

Todd maintains that a number of social issues have left the rest of society confused as to the will of God, but that being a faithful Mormon protects Latter-Day Saints from such confusion. “The world is full of chaos right now. Wars are rampant, gay marriage is becoming mainstream, marijuana is being legalized. So many people have been led astray because they don’t have access to a man who speaks directly to The Creator. Mormons have the great blessing of resting in a deep and restorative slumber while these issues are addressed.”

Another local Mormon, Madison Tanner, shared Todd’s excitement over being divinely sedated: “This is the time of year that Mormons most look forward to, when they can hear eternal truths from the Lord’s anointed and catch up on up to 10 hours of lost sleep from the previous six months.”

However, although she is a faithful member of the LDS Church, Tanner also expressed some concern about possible gender inequities in the structure of the LDS conference. “Women get to sleep through eight hours of sermons by the general authorities, but the men, who also have a two-hour-long priesthood session on Saturday night, get 10 hours of inspired talks. Those two extra hours of sleep may give men an unfair advantage over women in the upcoming months.”

Even non-Mormons are catching the spirit of this hibernatory event.  Steven Herzog was at first hesitant when a Mormon friend of his invited him to view General Conference with his family last April. But Herzog was soon sold on the Mormon custom of sleeping through their revered leaders’ discourses. “I went to my Mormon buddy’s house, resigned to spending two hours on Sunday morning missing football and sitting through a bunch of boring Mormon lectures. But by the time I got there, everyone was already deep asleep. So I grabbed a blanket and was soon dozing myself. There’s something about the cadence and timbre of those Mormons’ voices that made me sleep like a baby. Occasionally a shrill woman would slightly disturb my rest, but fortunately the Mormons don’t let their women speak very often, and when they do, the talks are a lot shorter.”

The tranquilizing Mormon conference can be viewed on BYUtv this Saturday and Sunday.