09:38 am
24 June 2017

Local Instagram Fitness Hero Found to be Fat-assed Charlatan

Local Instagram Fitness Hero Found to be Fat-assed Charlatan
@Kerouac69 in his element
@Kerouac69 in his element

@Kerouac69 in his element

Today it was revealed that a local Utah man notorious for his impeccable taste in music, movies, food, and a penchant for running marathons is in fact, a fat-assed charlatan. Kerouac69 — who has eclipsed 2,000 followers on Instagram yet only follows 43 back — has been outed as a fake by his best friend.

The betrayal started when they were at his mom’s house in West Valley City(where he really lives, not his claimed house in the Avenues) and they were playing Grand Theft Auto 5. His friend, who will remain anonymous, noticed he checked into the movie Holy Mountain on his GetGlue app, shared it with his Facebook and Twitter followers, and then swiped a Google image from the movie and finally posted it on his Instagram in an sly effort to convince others that he was indeed watching that film.

The whistle-blower didn’t want his followers to become unnecessarily motivated to get up and do something with their lives while the hoodwinker was sleeping in until 2 p.m. every day and not actually an English major at the University of Utah. “He’s unemployed and yells at his mom all day when she asks him to do menial tasks such as taking out the trash. The only bands I’ve ever known him to listen to are Creed and Nickelback. He has their posters in his room. You can go look if you want, just don’t tell him that I let you in,” the informant said.

When contacted, Kerouac69, who preferred anonymity, was open to an explanation. Fingers still orange from eating Cheetos for breakfast that day, he said, “It just sort of snowballed, I didn’t mean for this to happen. But once I started getting attention from people, I just wanted to keep the road trip going.” He admitted that he had, in fact, never ran any of those 5ks, instead, he showed up to them and took photos of his feet in Nikes and applied a filter to make it appear as though they had more mileage on them than from his bedroom to the fridge.

“It’s all about the angle of a photo,” he said when asked how he managed to look like he was in shape on Facebook and Instagram. “As long as I keep my head high, chin up,  and not show too much of my body, nobody knows that I’m not in shape.” As people continued to cheer him on about his progress in life, it started to become a high for him. “I don’t even know who Kerouac is, I just heard people in a Starbucks talking about him one day and decided to use that as my Instagram handle. I am more of a Dean Koontz guy myself.”

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