01:33 pm
28 March 2017

Sen. Mike Lee: My Mother’s Demands Are Unconstitutional; I Will Defund MamaCare

Sen. Mike Lee: My Mother’s Demands Are Unconstitutional; I Will Defund MamaCare
Sen. Mike Lee waves around the Constitution like it's going out of style, which it totally isn't, being an 18th century document and everything. Picture by jeremy.nicoll
Sen. Mike Lee waves around the Constitution like it's going out of style, which is totally isn't, being an 18th century document and everything. Picture by jeremy.nicoll

Sen. Mike Lee waves around the Constitution like it’s going out of style, which is totally isn’t, being an 18th century document and everything. Picture by jeremy.nicoll

Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) came out strongly against his mother’s demands, citing them as unconstitutional and said he had no choice but to defund MamaCare.

“She’s a real stick in the spokes sometimes, leaving stickers in my lunch and such. I’m embarrassed,” said the member of the Judiciary Committee. “I decided to [have an intern] thumb through my copy of the Constitution, and it turns out there isn’t a single thing about the lunch notes and stickers, or putting folded, finished laundry on my bed. I’m a principled man, so that means I take no gruff from a woman.”

The embattled matriarch seemed unfazed by the claims. “He’s always been this way. He pretends to go against the grain but doesn’t realize he invents the grain he’s battling in the first place. It’s pretty funny, the only support he had as a kid was from the fake tea parties he’d set up with invisible friends, especially Polly Prissy Pants, his polite and well-mannered play doll that he often said was his best friend.”

Beehive Bugle relayed the mother’s words to Utah’s junior Senator, who promptly defended himself, “Hey, come on, mom, now let’s be reasonable. A lawn mown twice weekly lacks both constitutional backing and reasoning, I mean, the grass won’t learn to grow well if you cut it that often.”

Sen. Lee, who serves as a member of the Antitrust, Competition Policy and Consumer Rights Subcommittee protecting business competition and personal freedom, confided to Beehive Bugle that he has been intercepting the Avon mail pamphlets his mother uses in door-to-door sales.

This, he said, will defund MamaCare and send a stern, principled message to the purveyors of lame attentiveness that provide teet to the suckers that MamaCare cannot, will not, and shall not glide unconstitutionally and unAmericanly down the throats of the Americans that voted for the politicians that passed this law upheld by the Supreme Court.