In an early evening appearance since He goes to bed at midnight, the Holy Ghost formally announced His retirement on Friday. This came in the wake of an imbecilic claim from three Utah Boy Scout leaders that they were prompted to push over a formation from a 165 million-year-old rock in Goblin Valley State Park.
“I’ve had it. No more promptings. You’re all on your own with your directions, your bubblesheet tests, your employment options. October’s usually terrible in the ghost department, but this Goblin Valley thing broke the camel’s back. I’m hieing to Kolob faster than you can hum the first verse. And I’m staying there,” we felt the Holy Ghost say.
The men filmed themselves speaking in a language similar to English, and they sang, tipped, swayed, danced, and celebrated. Cameraman Dave Hall sang the phrase, “wiggle it just a little bit,” as a portly Glenn Taylor applied force to fell the rock as Dylan Taylor looked on. Hall claimed, “Some little kid was about ready to walk down here and die and Glenn saved his life by getting the boulder out of the way. So it’s all about saving lives here at Goblin Valley. Saving lives, that’s what we’re about.”
The men are leaders for both a local troop of the Boy Scouts of America and a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints youth group. They said that the formation of rock that has remained there for millions of years appeared to them ready to fall to hurt someone.
“I’ll take my chances with the cops rather then[sic] my conscience after hearing a family was crushed to death by a rock I was prompted to move,” said Taylor, which urged the Holy Ghost to step in and cease religious affirmations in toto.
A new Merit Badge is rumored to be introduced as soon as the BSA can quantify requirements toward and shorten the name of How Not To Be An Irredeemable Asshole, which didn’t test well with the focus groups.
In a statement prepared for those prepared to hear it, one third of the Trinity outlined today’s spiritual economy, which displayed that He’s overworked and under-thanked, “Seriously, anytime an American’s blood pressure changes even five percent up or down, they take it as a prompting from Me. I want to slap these folks with their adrenal gland. A fully-cognitive species denying their own intuitive capacity; it’s enough to make Moses roll over in his grave.”
Asked if He’ll come out of retirement in the future, an inkling from the Spirit whispered to me, “It worked for MJ his first time, but not so well when he came back as a Wizard. Jay Z has retired a few times, but he hasn’t been decent since The Blueprint. I know I could come back popular, but I want to be at the top of my game. I mean, I’m the Holy Ghost. I’m Game Six; I’m Reasonable Doubt. I burn bushes, I don’t prompt Bushes. Feel me?”