04:12 pm
17 December 2017

Tooele Residents Demand to Change ‘Black Friday’ to ‘White Friday’

Tooele Residents Demand to Change ‘Black Friday’ to ‘White Friday’
An eager consumer finds an outlet for his demands.

A contingent of vocal Tooele residents expressed a firm desire to change the name of the shopping orgy known as the popularly-designated ‘Black Friday’ to a name they claim is “safer” to them: ‘White Friday.’

“I mean, why do they need their day? You don’t see a White Friday yet–why do they get their own day?” said Grant Dobbler, whose vigor placed him as a stand-in leader of the group. “I’d rather go to The Walmarts on White Friday, it would just make me more comfortable. That’s why we want to make the change.”

The 17 disgruntled residents chanted with upheld signs near the Pratt Aquatic Center, sounding cries to the hearing-aided elderly folks departing aerobic classes as well as the towel-swaddled youngsters with jittering teeth leaving swimming lessons.

“No surprise they have their president now. That’s what happens. They get you used to smaller things, like History Month and Entertainment Television stations and Oprah,” said Susannah Walters. “I want to save seven dollars on Blu-ray movies on my own terms. I don’t feel comfortable taking my kids on… that day.”

Walters and Dobbler said they aren’t sure how and through whom effective change may be brought, but they “filled out the thing on the Mike Lee Senator Internet page” and are awaiting his response. “He’s such a darling, that Mike Lee. Oh, we just love him,” said Walters.

Dobbler said he didn’t create a petition on whitehouse.gov because, “that socialist website is blocked in my household. I went ahead and blocked blackhouse.gov as well, cuz you know that’s coming soon, huh. You know it is.”

An eager consumer finds an outlet for his demands.

An eager consumer finds an outlet for his demands.

8 comments

  • Are you kidding me??? Black Friday has absolutely NOTHING with race. Oh my god!!! It has to do with businesses being in “the black” meaning they are making money, verses being in “the red.” Being in the red means they owe more than they are bringing in. Being in the black means they are bringing in more money than they have to pay out. Talk about white trash. Makes me ashamed to be white. And that guy who said ‘blackhouse.gov is coming’. What an idiot. The building is called the White House because of the color of the building, not the president.

    Reply
  • LOL. “Brotherhood” smh. He had to be from Tooele to think that black Friday has anything to do with any race. Hey Grant, Nice Black shirt, you must like blacks cause your wearing a black shirt. LoL. This has got to be the dumbest guy in Tooele. Scratch that, the people chanting with him are worse lol they actually believed him. LoL. BTW The president’s mother is white lol. I thought it was bad when people called me a redneck but you sure are one dumb prick.

    Reply

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