10:18 am
20 September 2017

Go To Tel: Hip New Lingo Allows LDS Members To Faithfully Condemn Others

Go To Tel: Hip New Lingo Allows LDS Members To Faithfully Condemn Others
Utah valley campuses and yogurt shops have become echo chambers of the newest slang term
Utah valley campuses and yogurt shops have become echo chambers of the newest slang term

Utah valley campuses and yogurt shops have become echo chambers of the newest slang term: Go To Tel

In a move sure to rock the world of ‘heck’ advocates, the Mormon lexicon has widened to include the phrase, Go to Tel — a tender offer from those fed up to wish the recipient a chance to spend eternity with a lesser afterlife glory in the lowest kingdom of heaven, the Telestial Kingdom.

“We’re now able to vent frustration while staying within the bounds of church doctrine. I’m pleased as a turnip in fertile soil,” said Stake(BYU’s 492nd) President D. Gordie Richardson.

Points of origin are shady at best, but it’s been said that UVU freshman JJ Rivers coined the term at the UVU vs. BYU volleyball match, repeatedly yelling the phrase at the bench of the visiting Cougars. High fives and joke explanations continued throughout the match, and the term was all but canonized at the post-game party at ice cream and yogurt shop Spoon Me on Provo’s Bulldog Blvd.

“I know I’m funny —  I met Brian Regan once after a show — and I pretty much have all episodes of The Office memorized. These things come to me easily; it’s no big deal. Yeah, I created it and it’s catching on, but I mean, somebody had to, right?” said a jovial Rivers. Rivers and his friends started chanting Go To Tel in Spoon Me, then everyone joined in. But amid the sea of green and blue, it was difficult to tell which group was on the receiving end.

The phrase also became a hit on the valley’s social media circuit, including a weird Mitt Romney meme that adds “(or not!)” to the original phrase, “Go To Tel!” perhaps as another slight to the man said to flip-flop often.

Unverified sources claim that scripts of Singles Third Ward are being revised to include Go To Tel, but the Bugle has yet to see an advanced copy. The LDS church has not yet returned our inquiry as to whether the anti-curse word phrase will be allowed in meetinghouses.

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