West Jordan — It’s been confirmed by various sources that Santa Claus, international purveyor of joy, has once again shortchanged Arthur Jarvis, despite another year of being a good kid, while also once again lavishing his rich, dickwad neighbor, Austin Johnson, with a panoply of gifts.
“I don’t get it,” said a perplexed Jarvis. “This happens every year. I’ve been really good, I even helped serve soup to the homeless at the shelter throughout the year just to be sure. And yet, despite my best efforts, Santa seems to believe Austin deserves an Xbox One and I don’t.”
“I give up,” he added, throwing his hands in the air.
Johnson, who has racked up a long list of bad deeds by way of wedgies, swirlies, and general harassment of those he considers inferior, has again been regaled with this year’s top gifts by Kris Kringle, the red-suited man who claims to deliver gifts to children on a system of how good they were during the year. The fact that Jarvis spotted Johnson doing donuts in the street Christmas morning on what looked to be a brand new ATV, sending streams of dirty snow onto neighbors’ cars, is starting to make him doubt the integrity of Santa’s gifting system.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my new sleeping bag and wool socks,” Jarvis said. “It just seems excessive that Austin has received a new 51” plasma screen TV to replace his older one from last year, as well as a brand new Gibson electric guitar, considering only two weeks ago he was holding me upside down and shaking out my pants for change. That doesn’t strike me as good behavior worthy of such gifts, if I can be so bold.”
Unfortunately, despite repeated efforts, no spokesperson for the North Pole could be reached for comment on the issue, but Jarvis says he imagines the North Pole’s system, while noble and ambitious, is not without its flaws, especially considering the vast amount of balance sheets they must work with for each individual kid. He only wishes to bring this glaring repeated error on his block to Father Christmas’ attention so he can better calibrate his merry-making ways in accordance with the naughty-nice paradigm.
Jarvis is emphatic that he realizes the true meaning of Christmas is what’s really important – the birth of Jesus Christ and family togetherness. He only wishes to convey a certain level of dissatisfaction with St. Nick’s continual, over-abundant gifting of a neighbor he knows to behave very badly, who also happens to have rich parents.
At press time, Johnson was whitewashing some poor weak sap in the neighborhood while checking Facebook on his new 64 GB iPhone 5s.