HACKED: Indecent T-Shirt Story Swiped Wholesale After Beehive Bugle’s Servers Were Compromised
OREM – A benignly-named pretend housewife “Judy Cox” has swept national news for purportedly buying out an entire PacSun’s t-shirt display, citing the scantily clad women on the shirt’s designs as indecent. “She” spent $567 to “purchase” all of the shirts. The premise of this story — clearly outrageous at every turn — seems absurd at best, and could actually never happen in an actual world with real humans acting autonomously. This is because the story was ours, hacked wholesale from the servers of your humble snarkasm servants at Beehive Bugle.
PacSun — supposedly still in business due to Acqua di Gio-soaked faux surfers — introduced the V/SUAL HEARTBREAKERS by Van Styles t-shirts recently to little acclaim and so we wrote a few paragraphs to see if the story could find traction. Too ridiculous for our aims, we shelved the story. Then during a daily taquito stop at 7-11, our newsie saw the story slightly reworded and edited on the front page of Orem’s The Daily Herald and snickered, “Those schmohawks must’ve had a slow news day to run a nonsense, laughably false story as hard news.”
Beehive Bugle’s handful of newshounds were collectively relieved they didn’t need to rework the draft, copy edit the piece, or use any novice hackery to manipulate pictures in web-based Photoshop knockoffs before the story hit the wires from The Daily Herald by lesser competitors like USA Today.
In the end, PacSun couldn’t thank our fake persona Judy Cox or her literally unreal $567 enough for all the free press. The t-shirts, otherwise doomed to the clearance rack for the cheeto-fingered, are flying off the shelves and onto the angsty backs of prurient teenagers nationwide.