04:40 pm
22 July 2017

Arizona Gov. Seeks to Change State Fish to ‘Something Less Symbolically Tolerant’

Arizona Gov. Seeks to Change State Fish to ‘Something Less Symbolically Tolerant’
Arizona is appalled that the state fish doesn't represent the right people.
Arizona is appalled that the state fish doesn't represent the right people.

Arizona is appalled that the state fish doesn’t represent the right people.

PHOENIX, AZ – Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer is calling on taxpayers to foot a 1.5 million dollar bill, which would change the state fish from the Apache trout to “something less symbolically tolerant of brown people.” This morning, the Governor’s office released a statement, which read in part: “We don’t want people to get the idea that we support diversity in Arizona, and having our fine state represented by a weird Indian fish clearly sends mixed signals to the public.”

The governor’s statement also cited the 1997 change in Utah’s state fish from the Rainbow trout to a “less gay” fish, the Bonneville Cutthroat trout. “That’s the kind of moxie we need from our lawmakers here,” the statement read. “We would like to change our state fish to something badass like the Bonneville Cutthroat, but it isn’t indigenous to Arizona, so that ain’t happening.”

This proposal has the public at both sides of the immigration debate in an upheaval. “First they pass unconstitutional laws that basically criminalize being a minority, and now this,” said legal Arizona resident Miguel Hernandez. “It’s ludicrous!”

But minorities are not the only irritated party. Benny Gibbs, a 62-year-old white Republican, claims that it isn’t the state fish that needs to be changed. “I like that our state is represented by such a beautiful and majestic fish like the Apache trout. I think it’s the Indian tribe that needs to change its name. After all, this is America not Native America – we were here first.”

When reached for a follow-up comment, Gov. Brewer shied away from providing details about how the 1.5 million dollars would be allocated, but she interjected that “there are other methods we can employ to solve this problem, such as hiring death squads to entirely eradicate this breed of trout from Arizona waters, but that seems extreme to me.”

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