05:54 pm
17 February 2018

Governor Herbert Proposes Multi-Level-Marketing Solution to Primary, Caucus Debate

Governor Herbert Proposes Multi-Level-Marketing Solution to Primary, Caucus Debate

Did you know you could be getting elected into office working only several hours a week?

Inviting Utah’s representatives over to his home for a ‘special business opportunity’, Gov. Gary Herbert unveiled a plan for revamping the caucus system and resolving the fight between the Count Your Vote Movement and those who want no change. Calling it a compromise of sorts, Gov. Herbert proceeded to open up the minds of those in attendance to a new world of possibility and wealth untold.

“We need a Utah solution, one that’s as sharp and effective as this Cutco serrated knife with thermo-resin handle,” Herbert said, brandishing the piece of flatware. “One that will slice just as seamlessly and effectively through the issue.”

Herbert then explained how the new plan would work. Under the proposal, delegates would still choose their parties’ candidates. However, delegates who enlist more sub-delegates will be worth more votes or points. This is done by going out and recruiting friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. According to the Governor, it’s win-win and an opportunity not to be passed up.

“Really all someone who wants to get involved has to do is bust out their ward list and help their neighbors get involved in this patriotic, potentially lucrative opportunity.”

“Anyone can do it!” Herbert went on to say. “It just takes what I like to call an attitude of CAN DO – Choosing [the right], Ambition, Nice, Determined, and Organized.”

“Besides all this,” Herbert explained over the promised pizza handed out to lure many representatives in the first place, “the MLM system is the best for one for Utahns specifically. It is based on our preferred business model; It is ideal for our citizenry,” he said. “Multi-level-politicking encourages hard work and responsibility. Combining entrepreneurship and gumption will benefit everyone.”

Gayle Ruzicka from the Utah Eagle Forum and Paul Mero from the Sutherland institute were on hand to support the governor’s initiative. Ruzicka and Mero agreed with the governor that the plan’s true worth is in how it would protect Utah’s treasured values.

“We wouldn’t want people thinking we’re just going to hand them the right to pick their candidates!” Ruzicka said, causing Mero to spit out his drink in laughter.

If passed, the bill will also ensure that the top three who lead in recruiting receive a free 24-inch plasma screen TV and a package deal getaway to Las Vegas.

“Thanks for your time gentlemen. Remember, this isn’t for everyone. Having said that little reverse psychological maneuver, it is something I think all of you can do. So get out there and get your [me] votes. Now who wants ice cream?” the Guv said.