06:00 pm
17 February 2018

Five Best Post-Holi-Color-Fest “Missed Connections”

Five Best Post-Holi-Color-Fest “Missed Connections”
The lessons of “Pleasantville” are semi-annually learned by local residents.

The lessons of “Pleasantville” are semi-annually learned by local residents.

SPANISH FORK – Each year, the Holi Festival of Colors raises tens of thousands of dollars for the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Hindu temple to resupply for the ongoing battle against Mormon Jesus for dominance in southern Utah County. And the day after the Festival of Colors, tens of thousands of repressed and soiled young adults leave multi-colored fingerprints on their keyboards as they try to find that person they brushed up against, or the stranger they kissed, or that one person they thought was maybe-sorta looking at them from across the way, using Cragslist “Missed Connections.”

These are the best and brightest of those “‘Missed Connections.”


I saw you at the Holi Festival of Colors Saturday, wearing a tank top, daringly bared shoulders dusted with pink and green powder. I wanted to talk to you, tell you I’ve never seen shoulders like that on campus before, but before I could open my mouth, you threw red in my eyes and scampered off into the masses. Though I was blind for the next several hours, I knew what you were saying – red is the color of love. Or love is blind. Or both. Come find me. I’ll be back Sunday, wearing goggles this time.


I can’t get your image out of my head, just like I can’t get the colored powder out of my shirt. As soon as I saw you, I knew what I wanted to do. Which is why I threw blue right at your balls. I thought you’d get the message, because, you know, blue and blew. But I guess you’re more the lookin’ type and not the thinkin’ type. Make no mistake, this lack of pun-related sexual subtlety is not a deal-breaker for me. I blue you once already. Let me do it again.


When I covered your face with dye, I knew yours was the only face I ever wanted to splatter with stuff for the rest of my life. It’s burned into my mind. Your red hair, Or maybe it was a light brown. Black hair? I can’t recall. Regardless, those blue-ish-brown-ish eyes surely still glow with the desire I saw as we stole a kiss amid the explosion of color. I remember the feel of your red lips, and your soft pale skin, or maybe it was mocha…or perhaps…it was nice, whatever it was. Get back to me and we’ll get some coffee or something. You know who you are. I’ll remember you as soon as I see you.


I thought it was wrong to skip church to go to a pagan festival of love and frivolity, but it felt so right when I saw you dusted with rainbows of Krishna. And I knew I had to become a Hindu just like you, for why else would you have been at a Hindu temple on a with the other 70,000 white, college age Hindus in Utah? That’s what this whole thing was about, right? From here on out, I’ll be in daily meditation at Sri Sri Radha Krishna. Come and find me. Namaste.


You were at the festival of colors. You were hot. I like looking at your hot bod. I remember distinctly how hot you were, and I was like, “I want to see that hot person again, for reals. Like bad.” And I thought you thought I was hot also. Like, looks-wise. So If you thought I was hot, I definitely thought you were hot and you should get back at me hottie.