08:48 pm
17 January 2018

Local Gay Mormon Reportedly “Ecstatic” About Conference Celibacy Encouragement

Local Gay Mormon Reportedly “Ecstatic” About Conference Celibacy Encouragement
Click your heels if you're chaste.
Click your heels if you're chaste.

Click your heels if you’re chaste.

Brother Kyler Brenn, a local gay Mormon homosexual, reportedly “can’t wait” for tonight’s Priesthood session, sources said. “I’m seriously ecstatic,” said the high school senior. “It’s always so fulfilling and empowering, to hear about how I don’t need to give heed to millions of years worth of evolutionary urges, as I [gaily] saunter through this, my lonely mortal sojourn.”

It was unclear about which thing Brenn was more excited for—exhortations about the evils of self pollution, or the trite inferences that faith will totally and easily replace the love and fulfillment one might find in a monogamous, committed, healthy relationship. It was clear, however, that popular Mormon celibate Sherry Dew was a source of comfort and inspiration to the shunned gay Mormon.

“If she can make it 61 years without ever needing any sort of sexual fulfillment whatsoever, then so can I,” said Brenn, without even a hint of a lusty twinkle in his eye. “It’s just so comforting to know that our situations are pretty much exactly the same.”

In 2003, Sister Dew was described as “the most prominent single [unmarried] LDS woman right now,” sources indicated. “Back in 2004, when she compared standing against the Nazi atrocities in WWII with the importance of opposing same sex marriage, I knew just how evil my gay desires to find a person with whom I could share my life, raise children, and build an eternity were,” lamented Brenn. “We [gay Mormons] are so lucky to have her as our de-facto standard bearer of the fruits of a lonely, marriage-less existence.”

Brother Brenn indicated that he would be “on the edge of his seat” throughout the remainder of the historic conference, eagerly awaiting non-banal nuggets of wisdom and insight on all the best ways to find the strength to ignore the urges of a[n inexplicably] confused appendage.

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