After millennia of tactical missteps and strategic blunders, along with a particularly dismal 2013-2014 season in which Russia annexed Crimea, Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 went missing, and extremist Republicans shut down the United States government, the Universe announced early Thursday that it is finally parting ways with God.
“This has not been an easy decision, but after a thorough review process, we as a Universe feel that this is the best decision for our organization moving forward,” Universe spokesman Lindsay Dennis said. “God, the Alpha and Omega, is a class act and we wish Him the best of luck in His future endeavors.”
Experts argue that God, who took over from Jehovah several thousand years ago, never quite found His groove. “His first major blunder was letting the flowering of human civilization under the Roman Empire collapse, leading to the Dark Ages. And although He eventually made a strong comeback with the Renaissance and Enlightenment, events like the Spanish Inquisition, the African slave trade, the Holocaust, the dropping of nuclear weapons on Japan, and the Rwandan genocide have left God with a checkered resume,” said theologian Burke Hayward.
Some Utahns have taken the news of God’s dismissal particularly hard, especially since it comes on the heels of the Utah Jazz announcing they will not renew Coach Tyrone Corbin’s contract beyond the current season. “Man, first Corbin and now the Almighty. You never want to see this happen to God because he’s such a good guy,” Provo resident Derrick Favreau said. “He’s helped me a lot. It was a real pleasure to work with Him and I wish Him the best of luck.”
Others, however, welcome the change. “By all objective measures, God has failed. It’s about time the Universe shake things up with new Management,” said Salt Lake native Greg Mueller.
The Universe’s search for a new Supreme Being will begin immediately. Many on the Left are clamoring for a female deity, claiming that God’s patriarchal and sometimes misogynist management techniques are a primary reason why He failed. Conservatives however, are hoping God’s predecessor, Jehovah, returns to the head of the cosmic pantheon. “I feel like Jehovah ran a tighter ship than God. Just watch the new Noah movie,” said President of the Utah Eagle Forum, Gayle Ruzicka.
Dennis, however, cautions that finding a successor for the Lord Almighty may take a while. “Certainly it would be great if we found the right Person in a short time frame,” she said. “But we need to find the right Person. We’re going to be really thorough in this process because it’s such a monumental decision.”
Speculation on who will replace the Ancient of Days is reaching a fever pitch. Already, the name of Ram, the seventh avatar of the Hindu God Vishnu, has surfaced. Another possibility receiving attention is the Buddha, though many believe luring him out of Nirvana will prove a challenge. The dark horse appears to be Chalchihuitlicue, the Aztec goddess of childbirth, water, and youthful beauty
At press time, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, could not be reached for comment.