05:59 pm
17 February 2018

Stop Pretending I Don’t Exist You Ungrateful Assholes!

Stop Pretending I Don’t Exist You Ungrateful Assholes!

An airing of grievances from Utah’s most famous, cantankerous body of water.

Hey you bastards I see you! Just driving past me as if I’m not here, as if I don’t exist. Well, here I am asshats, and I want you to acknowledge me.

Did people just suddenly forget that Utah named its own fucking capital city after me? Pardon my ego, but that’s kind of a big thing. And yet, despite this momentous accomplishment, what sort of thanks do I get? Where are my admirers and fans?

Everyone just stays in the city, and while some may pay me lip service, give me a nod and sing my praises from afar, only a few actually come out and give me the respect I’m due. Well, this lake’s had enough, and you’re going to hear it – starting now.

Oh sure, I get a few wanna-be yachtsmen and lame-ass “sailors” who grace my waters with their catamarans, gleefully donning their new Sperry boat shoes like a bunch of twats. I get a smattering of gung-ho fitness gurus, bicycling the causeway. But it’s not enough. Where are my people? Why are they not bathing along my charming shores?

I know what you’re going to say to that. Yes, it’s true I don’t have fish. Sorry I can’t offer you two-headed toxic carp like Utah Lake. And sorry you don’t like my brine shrimp simply because you can’t dip them in your cocktail sauce, you fat-fucks. I realize this means fishing isn’t exactly a draw for you to come see me. But hey, I’ve got multiple islands and one of them has buffalo on it. Buffalo, for God’s sake. Beat that, Lake Powell! That’s right bitch, you might be a boater’s dream destination but you have zero bison.

My waters are inviting and my buoyancy uplifting, motherfuckers! This is a clarion call to all you cunts to come and partake. I deserve it, dickheads. For chrissakes, I have an art piece in my waters visible from outer-fucking-space! Why not come and see the Spiral Jetty? What better things do you have to do? Oh, smoke pot and watch TV? Please, get off your ass and come see me.

Unless you’re Brigham Young or a character out of the Book of Mormon, you can’t say you have a city named after you in this state, so suck it. I do — Salt Lake City. It’s my city, and y’all try to pretend it ain’t. I don’t get no respect. America’s Dead Sea they call me. Well, a new wind’s a-blowin’ my friends, and it’s blowin’ my so-called lake effect right in your face. So fuck you, don’t ignore me, come over and swim sometime. Assholes.