04:30 pm
22 July 2017

ASSISTED: LDS Church Agrees To Rename Temple After John Stockton If He Agrees To Coach Jazz

ASSISTED: LDS Church Agrees To Rename Temple After John Stockton If He Agrees To Coach Jazz
The king of assists finally finds his castle.
The king of assists finally finds his castle.

The king of assists finally finds his castle.

Jazz owner Greg Miller jubilantly announced that the LDS Church agreed to rename the uniquely historic Salt Lake Temple after Utah’s Hall of Fame point guard John Stockton if he agrees to coach the Jazz. This news would be a shot in the arm for the fledgling franchise that would provide a bright future by digging into its storied past to select the correct former player to guide the Jazz.

The talks moved quickly, Miller said. He simply suggested the palatial house of worship’s name change as a bargain chip to, “pretty much a dozen and change” unnamed “high-ranking leaders” of the church, who in near unanimous assent welcomed the offer. The pending name of the edifice looks to be John H. Stockton Temple of Salt Lake.

“We just want Stock[ton] to know we are willing to go to any length, and we thank the leaders of the LDS church for their blessing on the renaming rights to the Salt Lake Temple,” said Miller.

Sources indicate the LDS church is posturing for two suites for each home game to be included in the package, as well as autographed and framed jerseys of Stockton’s number 12, but with his last name switched out with “Apostles,” which seems to suggest which leaders were allegedly approached.

“After [former Jazz shooting guard Jeff] Hornacek left to coach the Suns, we knew we were going to need to pull out the big guns. We first asked if they’d be okay renaming the City Creek Center, but they shut down that idea faster than the mall shut down surrounding businesses,” Miller continued.

John Stockton already has a boulevard flanking Energy Solutions Arena named after him, as well as his likeness in a bronze statue outside the arena. Despite early reports that the bronze statue will replace the gold-plated Angel Moroni adorning the highest temple spire, it’s a mere fable easily discounted when one considers the length of the statue’s immodest shorts-the statue is not quite temple worthy.

The LDS church is fibers-of-being ablazed with elation, especially after an unsuccessful attempt in courting Utah’s professional soccer franchise, since the team was unwilling to sponsor the golden plates as Real.

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