Local holder of the colloquially known “weak-sauce priesthood” Todd Trout thinks ordaining women is a “hecka cool” idea, according to an interview with the lanky 13 year old.
When asked why at such a young age he was willing to dissent from over a century and a half of church doctrine, tradition and culture to take a stand for Mormon feminists and equality, Trout said, “Huh? Oh, women’s rights are whatev. I’m just really interested in maybe not having to walk around, passing the sacrament to people who happen to be conveniently sitting right about eye-level with my raging erection.”
When pressed to elaborate, Trout visibly shuddered, and explained that pretty much every deacon is plagued with what many young men refer to as the “no reason boner,” which is an erection that occurs for literally no reason at all, whatsoever. “It’s like clockwork, bro. Right around the 2nd verse of the sacrament hymn, whether it’s “I Stand All Amazed,” or “Again We Meet Around the Board,” I can only sit there in horror, as an unwanted stirring begins in my loins. It’s seriously the worst. Church pants are way soft.”
Trout explains that not even having the annoying yet crucial appendage should totally qualify girls for, rather than exclude them from, priesthood ordination. “Dude, it just makes sense,” Trout says, looking almost feverish. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold a tray in one hand, and try to nonchalantly block a near pants-splitting chubby with the other? DO YOU?”
Todd couldn’t wait to turn 14, when his duties would shift to chair stacking and door guarding. “It’s literally going to be the best two years. At least when I’m guarding a door, I’ll be able to stand there and casually hold a thick stack of programs over my crotch, which will help me hide the fact that my rod is about to explode through my zipper.”
While the lame-assed responsibilities of a teacher clearly provide a temporary respite from shameful public hard-ons, Brother Trout was clearly terrified by the prospects of turning 16 and becoming a Priest. “I’d seriously rather quit church than be up on the stand in front of everybody, having to tear up bread with a stiffy for all to see. No thanks.”
When asked if putting his eternal salvation in jeopardy over a silly appendage with a goddamned mind of its own was really worth it, Brother Trout uncomfortably shifts in his seat, clearly attempting to fight off an unwanted bod-rod. “Seriously. Sometimes this throbbing knob shakes my testimony a little bit. I mean, if God hates boners so much, why would he make me have one like, 70% of the time? I just think maybe, like, things are backward. It totes makes sense that chicks should get to do all the things that require standing up in front of others, in soft pants. If Ordain Women ever does, like, a protest thingy again, I’m seriously there. But I will wear jeans and a fanny pack for sure. Or bring my quad as a cock-block.”
When the Bugle reached out to church leadership to ask if the issue of unfortunate deacon erections had ever been raised as a reason to finally ordain women, the Brethren were firm in their reticence on the issue, stating only that “members who question fundamental church doctrines should instead gird up their loins, hold to the rod, and spend more time studying the Stick of Joseph.”