12:28 pm
23 September 2017

43-Year-Old Saratoga Springs Mother Of Six Admits To Never Having An Orgasm

43-Year-Old Saratoga Springs Mother Of Six Admits To Never Having An Orgasm
Saratoga Woman3

Saratoga Springs resident and Mother of the Year Nominee, Kathy Jensen, could no longer hold back her frustration.

Kathy Jensen, Utah native and Saratoga Springs Mother of the Year nominee, broke down on stage last night at the Mother of the Year Awards, declaring that she’s “never had an orgasm.”

She then pointed to the woman next to her, twenty years her younger, and exclaimed, “How am I supposed to compete with that?!”

The crowd was silenced by the outburst until Tami Johnston, the 26-year-old blond bombshell to whom Jensen was referring, attempted to ease the tension by making an uncomfortable joke about Zoloft.

Jensen’s indiscriminate outpouring of raw emotion was met with confusion and anger by many of the families in attendance. Some were left to wonder whether or not the outburst was the result of a romance novel addiction. Others blamed the machinations of the Ordain Women movement and the popular blog, Feminist Mormon Housewives. Still others, just blamed “the media.”

Scott Hinckley, a father of nine from the American Fork East 17th Ward, was incensed. “How unbecoming of a woman to speak that way!” he roared. “We don’t need to hear about what goes on in someone else’s bedroom. Furthermore, it’s not accurate. Last time I checked, Sister Jensen had six children!”

“I’m worried about us, as a people,” Britnee Anderson, organizer of the award show, remarked. “We moved here from California because we thought we’d be surrounded by traditional family values. You just don’t expect that kind of sexually-charged language around here!”

Jensen was disqualified for her remarks and stormed out before the brownies were cut. Her husband, Phil, was in Orlando “on business” and could not be reached for comment.

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