03:20 pm
27 May 2017

Investigation Reveals Shurtleff and Swallow Ran Shoulder Porn Ring

Investigation Reveals Shurtleff and Swallow Ran Shoulder Porn Ring
Salt Lake County District Attorney Sim Gill at yesterday's press conference.

In a press conference yesterday afternoon officials investigating the activities of Mark Shurtleff and John Swallow revealed that the former Attorneys General for Utah were collecting and disseminating pictures of high school girls with bare shoulders.

Salt Lake County District Attorney Sim Gill at yesterday's press conference.

Salt Lake County District Attorney Sim Gill at yesterday’s press conference.

“Our initial investigation focused on allegations of corruption,” said Sim Gill, District Attorney for Salt Lake County. “But once we had a chance to search Shurtleff and Swallow’s homes last week we found a massive collection of high school yearbook photos. This investigation has turned a strange and troubling corner.”

Gill explained that the photos all featured high school girls “in various states of sleevelessness.” Investigators believe the two had used the power of their office to collect unretouched photos from high school yearbooks from across the state. Photos of boys and modestly dressed girls were destroyed, while images of bare-shouldered young women were archived and uploaded to a website called claviclephilia.com.

“These depraved men abused the power of their office,” Gill said. “And I assure you that they will be brought to justice.”

Following Gill’s statement Terry E. Shoemaker, superintendent of Wasatch County School District, read the following prepared statement to reporters:

In the past few weeks I have received quite a bit of media attention for editing select yearbook photos. I just want to say that what I did I did out of love and concern for the immodest young women of Wasatch High.

Shoulder-based pornography is an incredibly popular vice amongst some of the rich and powerful in this state. For a time I too was addicted. For those of us suffering from YSA [Young Shoulder Attraction] there is nothing more titillating than the sight of supple shoulders peaking out from under a tank-top.

I had always assumed that the images that Mark and John had shared were from high school girls in other states. When I learned that the young women in these images were actually from Utah I realized the error of my ways. As you all know, the girls of the Heber Valley have the most delicate and refined shoulders in all the state, and I felt it was my duty to protect them from sickos like myself.

Since that time, with the help of my ecclesiastical leaders and my loving wife, I have faced my affliction head on and I am proud to say that I am in recovery and I have learned to find beauty in covered shoulders.

Shoemaker went on to say that when he feels tempted he simply sings a hymn. “Any hymn will do, but I avoid ‘Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel’ obviously,” he joked.

The story was on the verge of breaking earlier, but an Ogden bailiff with possible ties to the former Attorneys General denied courtroom entrance to reporter Morgan Briesmaster, whose intimidating sleeveless blouse apparently tipped off the bailiff. The bailiff asked for anonymity but said, “She knew what message she was sending with those supple shoulders.”

Attorneys representing Shurtleff and Swallow were unavailable for comment, but in a written statement released this morning the two denied any involvement in the shoulder porn industry. They also denied earlier reports that images of bare-shouldered boys were also found in their homes.

Meanwhile, the owners of Modesty Wings™ have reported record sales since the press conference concluded.

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