Four years ago Chad Worthington was working behind the bar at the Iggy’s Sports Grill in Orem when World Cup fever hit Utah Valley.
“Let me tell you, that was a rough couple of weeks,” said Worthington, now an assistant manager at the location. “If I have to deal with one more World Cup Mission Reunion I am going to lose it.”
According to Worthington former LDS missionaries who served in World Cup qualifying countries descend on Iggy’s “like locusts. Teetotaling, annoying as hell, locusts. ”
“They are all draped in flags and jabbering in their adopted tongue, calling everyone by their last names. And none of them actually give a damn about soccer,” Worthington said. “My only hope now is that I contract mono or something.”
“Chile rules! We are going to kick Australia’s trash!” screamed Charles Christiansen, an international business major at BYU who returned from the South American country two years ago. “The Chilean people are so awesome. Just so humble and junk.” He then complained to Worthington about the lack of ceviche on the menu.
Iggy’s management has tripled their normal order of diet soda. “If last time is any indication I will be saying ‘Is Diet Pepsi Ok?’ in my sleep for the next month,” Worthington said.
“Columbia is going to beat the shiz out of Greece!” screamed Bryson Smart, an international business major at BYU. “Colombians fetching love them some fùtbol. My comps and I would always play with the kids. Got a grip of baptisms just by being willing to play in the street. Such humble people.”
For Worthington the cheers and chants are made twice as tiresome because the revelers refuse to drink. “But the worst is when the game ends and they decide to all link arms, sway back and forth and sing ‘God Be With You Till We Meet Again’ in Portuguese. I just might take my own life this time. I’m serious.”
“Bosnia and Herzegovina is most likely going to do poorly against Argentina!” screamed Thom Robertson, an international business major at BYU. “I love the people of B&H, but they do lack some humility. My brother served in Argentina and he says the people there are like super humble. They will probably do really well.”
“Just kill me,” said Worthington as he stacked glasses. “Just fucking kill me.”