The LDS Church announced Monday that they are amending their Articles of Faith by removing the ninth, which reads:
9: We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
“The great thing is this will assure that God will not change his mind on anything ever again,” mumbled President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of 12 Apostles. “We’re cocksure with our current doctrine, so there’s no reason to keep that in the Articles of Faith any longer.”
Many members of the Church are relieved with the news: “I’m glad that annoying revelation loophole for agitators has been closed,” said Ammyn Limby, whose opinions on “that feminist with Priesthood envy” spawned seven Facebook status updates. “Let’s keep it status quo, bro.”
The first order of business since the doors to heaven are heretofore closed for good, the church is said to systematically purge all pamphlets, manuals, and members that might be deemed excess, thus minimizing risk for the future growth of the worldwide church of 15 million so-called strong members.