10:18 pm
15 December 2017

Utah Jazz Get Back to Basics; Draft Biggest Damn Lerp They Can Find

Utah Jazz Get Back to Basics; Draft Biggest Damn Lerp They Can Find

With Thursday’s NBA Draft approaching, anxious Utah Jazz fans waiting to see how head coach Quin Snyder will rebuild the once-great franchise finally have some answers.

“This past season’s performance has put us in a position to really get back to Jazz fundamentals,” said Snyder at a press conference following their first draft selection. “That is what is so exciting about picking up a ‘player’ like Sultan Kösen.”

Kösen, 31, is currently recognized by Guinness as the tallest man in the world. Hailing from Turkey, he has never played basketball competitively, needs a cane to walk, appears to be white, and due to a tumor on his pituitary gland, he will probably not live very long.

“In other words, he is the total package,” said Jazz president Randy Rigby. “We are so glad to have this freakishly large behemoth dominating the paint. And don’t worry fans, we are going to lock him up with a ridiculously long and overly generous contract.”

For Snyder, Kösen represents the cornerstone on which he hopes to build a team worthy of the Jazz name. “Getting an immobile big man ready for our style of play is tough, but we think bringing in ‘Tag to work with him is the right move.”

At 8'3" and completely immobile without a cane, Sultan Kösen is a Utah Jazz wet dream.

At 8’3″ and completely immobile without a cane, Sultan Kösen is a lerpy Utah Jazz wet dream.


The ‘Tag he is referring to is, of course, former Jazz ogre Greg Ostertag. Snyder brought in Ostertag specifically to coach Kösen.

“Remember how slow and ineffectual I was?” asked Ostertag rhetorically. “Well, this monster is over a foot taller than me! He sets a new standard for feckless Jazz Goliaths going forward.”

As for the rest of the Jazz draft picks, Snyder and Rigby hope they can sign some nice clean-cut, fresh-faced Caucasians. “We know what Jazz Basketball should look like,” Rigby said. “We have our gigantic useless lump in Kösen, but the fans expect you to have a Mormon-faced goofus to pass it to him. For the past few years that has been Gordon Hayward. But if he keeps insisting on growing that scraggly beard we are going to move in a new direction.”

“You know we could have done the easy thing and traded all of our draft picks for Jimmer [Fredette] and some magic beans,” Snyder said. “Our fans think that they want to see him as a Jazz Man, but what they really respond to is a player that only looks like he could be LDS. You need that ambiguity there or the Jazz mystique just doesn’t work.”

“Now if we can just get a really conservative black guy we will be running on all cylinders,” Rigby said.

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