01:37 pm
28 March 2017

Thomas S. Monson Hopes to Find New Helpmeet, Joins OKCupid

Thomas S. Monson Hopes to Find New Helpmeet, Joins OKCupid

Thomas Spencer Monson, the prophet, seer, and revelator for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is once again dusting off his lapels and going on the prowl.

“It is true, Mr. Monson is seeking another eternal companion, given that Frances, his beloved wife of sixty-four years, passed away last year,” said Michael Otterson, senior Church spokesperson. “As the Church seeks to embrace all manner of technological advances, he will be doing this through the website OKCupid.”

Seeking non-smokers and expressing that astrology is merely ‘fun to think about,’ the Lord’s Mouthpiece reportedly has high hopes about finding another suitable, Kolob-worthy mate with whom he can live out the remainder of his administrative sojourn.

Several OKCupid users–elderly and non-elderly women alike–have already been flabbergasted to see that a message from TommyLDSproph awaits them in their inbox.Tommy13

“I thought it was a joke at first, a fake profile,” said 39-year-old Whitney Loveless. “But then he started telling me a story about when he was a boy, and I could just tell — this was him.”

The profile gives another perspective to a man whose role in the public’s eye is primarily to receive the Word of the Lord. For instance, his love for the Andy Griffith Show, or pouring himself a cold Diet Dr. Pepper after a long work day at the Church Office Building.

“I was surprised to read he drank caffeine,” said 65-year-old Margery Thompson. “It was actually kind of exciting. After all, you know what they say — if they imbibe, they’re up for the ride.”

When reached for comment, Mr. Monson reluctantly discussed his online activities, and only said “it’s been a long while since I’ve been out of the game. I just hope I can find a handmaiden who can ring true the same spinal reverberations I felt from my deceased sweetheart.”

An anonymous church strategist revealed that a coterie of experts are already working to get the Boy Scouts of America enthusiast and Silver Beaver and Silver Buffalo Award recipient back in the game, with teeth whitening and cans of ready pomade at his disposal already on the docket.Tommy7

“We’re definitely going for classy and all things befitting of the Lord’s anointed,” said the strategist, speaking of the octogenarian man-on-the-make. “There won’t be a whiff of poodle-skirt-chasing in his profile.”

Armed with faithful flirtations like “‘I think we met in the pre-existence” and “You give me a burning in my bosom,” there’s no doubt that Mr. Monson will soon be a high-profile ladykiller.

Tommy14