10:49 am
30 April 2017

Too Many Food Safety Regulations, Says Recently Poisoned Woman Served an Entire Glass of Clorox

Too Many Food Safety Regulations, Says Recently Poisoned Woman Served an Entire Glass of Clorox
CC BY by subewl

Continuing in a string of incidents of lax adherence to food safety regulation, Draper resident Ashleighlynn Allred was mistakenly served an entire glass of Clorox instead of Sprite at local restaurant “Thad’s Guns, Ammo and BBQ.”

Instead of playing the victim, though, this intrepid citizen has decided to make lemonade, turning it into an opportunity to warn against Big Government and President Obama.

“Was I afraid to die? Yes,” said Allred from her hospital bed at University Medical, still on dialysis. “But I was more afraid that damned Obama would use my poisoning to try to force more federal regulations on small businesses.”

The hardliner says it would be really easy to look at this as a need to ramp up food regulation safety — something she says she will not allow to happen. Ms Allred even took the opportunity to thank the restaurant’s proprietor for giving her the unique opportunity to “illustrate problematic situations in which venues of freedom are threatened to be infiltrated by dangerous Big Government.”

Restaurant owner Thad Boone says he feels bad, but agrees with the woman his restaurant poisoned.

“I’m not going to let that communist nazi Obama tell me that I can’t keep my Clorox in a 2 liter sprite bottle at my restaurant,” insisted the proprietor. “It’s unfortunate that these things happen, but it’s the price of a free society.”

At press time, Allred was embracing the medical bill she’s incurring in the emergency room, saying that she “doesn’t need any handouts, thank you very much.”

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