09:51 pm
17 October 2017

Fully Inserted: Soaking Epidemic Hits BYU Campus

Fully Inserted: Soaking Epidemic Hits BYU Campus

While Kevin J. Worthen, Brigham Young University’s 13th president, loves this time of year, dark times have eclipsed the enjoyment that usually accompanies the start of a new semester.

“We’re getting report after report of ‘soaking’ incidents, also known as ‘docking’ or ‘floating’,” said the president. “This has long been a concern on campus, but it’s quickly become a bigger problem. Seriously, you can’t swing a dead cat around here without hitting a couple of youth defiling themselves this way.”

“This is no way to begin a new semester at the Lord’s University,” he added.

Soaking, a popular pastime among BYU students, is an inert act of alleged pleasure that many students do not believe constitutes sex and thus is less of an honor code violation. Fueled by the pressure that celibacy amid a sea of nubile flesh brings, many students simply can’t resist the urge.

“I just couldn’t help myself,” said one anonymous soaker, a freshman this semester majoring in economics. “We were making out, and I just had to get in there… and then be still.” He adds that as far as ecclesiastical punishment, “It’s just a slap on the wrist from the bish[op] and I’m free to go.”

The anonymous soaker stated that good ole’ fashioned Levi lovin’ just wasn’t cutting the mustard anymore, and that despite the iron will it takes not to “move the meat while it’s in the oven,” it was satisfying for both him and his girlfriend, who are “talking about getting married in the temple anyways.”

The practice is concerning to the BYU Student Health Center for numerous reasons, including risk of STD transmission and the lack of awareness among these pre-mission folk over pre-emission releases. “One little slip and suddenly this person becomes your eternal companion,” said Lorenzo H. Roberts, BYU Student Health Center spokesperson.

The old guard is perplexed at this wave of immoral behavior. “I don’t know what’s with this new batch,” said Provo resident Bill Mayfield, a BYU alumnus. “In my day, the attitude was ‘oral is moral.’ It’s sad to see things have become stagnant.”Oaks test7

In order to nip docking delirium in the bud, LDS apostle and former BYU President Dallin H. ‘Soaks’, as he is being dubbed, is flying into campus to do damage control.

Elder Oaks released a statement before the flight, “It’s a downright awful and dirty shame that some at the school would be led to believe the school’s welcome sign’s phrase, “Enter to learn, go forth to serve” is some kind of instructive phrase for physical pleasure. Cougars should take caution so as to avoid acting like Utes, in destructive classless ways off the field as the great Max Hall has said in days of old.”

“With Elder Oaks here, we’re confident that this issue will be resolved in short order,” said President Worthen. “I mean, all he has to do is furrow his eyebrows at the student body and cow them into submission, maybe add a threat of eternal consequences for good measure.”

In light of these incidents, it is now rumored that this immoral act will be expressly forbidden in the next ‘For the Strength of Youth’ Pamphlet.

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