09:34 am
24 June 2017

Citing Too Many Fake Swords, Saratoga Springs Mayor Quietly Cancels Annual Medieval Festival

Citing Too Many Fake Swords, Saratoga Springs Mayor Quietly Cancels Annual Medieval Festival

Due to an overabundance of fake swords, cimeters, and other archaic weaponry that might give the city’s Finest a scare, mayor Jim Miller of Saratoga Springs has cancelled this year’s annual Medieval Festival.

“My gosh, I mean you have fake bows, catapults, spears, jousting and more… Our city police would just light that place up,” said the mayor. “It would be asking a lot of these brave men to not completely unload their clips into such a crowd.  Shooting people can really get to you.”

The mayor added, “With all of the attention focused on weapon-prop-wielding LARPer-ish innocents felled by intentional shots, I’d like to think about all of the people affected by this—those outside of the scope of the scopes. How can we efficiently tell the family members and loved ones of the fallen the types of abstract danger these officers face every day? Seriously, let us know if you have an idea. I mean, it’s not like they’d be willing to face those dangers every day, geeze. Not to mention how telling them will keep me tied up for a long time, bureaucratically.”

Police Chief Andrew Burton echoes this sentiment, stating that his men can’t be expected not to fire off multiple rounds at anyone wielding maces, rapiers, dirks, axes, flails or practicing falconry.

“Look, I’m a strong defender of the Second Amendment, but if my officers see a trebuchet—plastic or not—we’re hitting it with everything we have,” Burton said. “Wizard staffs are especially threatening and likely to rattle my men.”

Though many are disappointed that the festival is cancelled, others are sympathetic to the plight of the city’s Finest.

“You want to walk around with a pistol on each hip like Yosemite Sam, that’s your right as a Utahan,” said Joey Pemberton, Saratoga Springs resident, “but letting some lute-playing teenager dressed in tights, all elf-like, maraud around with sais and scare our law enforcement officers? That just spells trouble.”

In order to better deal with threats of bow and arrows, swords and the like, Mayor Miller has accepted the Department of Defense’s offer of 14 Rocket Propelled Grenade Launchers, 7 M1117 Armored Security Vehicles and the recently decommissioned USS Ronald Reagan Aircraft Carrier, which will be donated to the City as part of the US Defense Department’s 1033 program. The carrier will dock at Hot Springs Park Inlet to provide air support should any would-be knights, lords, earls, serfs or blacksmiths “try anything smart.”

At press time, local larping groups were also warned that if they spar they do so at their own risk, and to, for God’s sake, wear some damn shinguards.

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