02:18 pm
20 November 2017

Area Wild Man Announces Retirement

Area Wild Man Announces Retirement

After years of Belushi-esque behavior, local wild man Ronald Hasborne has announced his retirement from a life full of drunken hijinks. “I realize that my absence will leave a void in the community,” said Hasborne. “But as with all great innovators, there will be someone who steps up to carry the torch.” Despite outraging scores of party hosts by engaging in a non-stop barrage of breaking dishes, pulling down curtains, starting fights, going shirtless and making slurred advances on female guests, area party goers say it just won’t be the same without him. “Yeah, he pissed me off when he puked right on my new blazer at last year’s Halloween party, and I resented him passing out on my couch after everybody else had left,” said Joseph Gibson. “And yet, I can’t help but think we’ll have nothing to talk about with him being gone.” At press time, Hasborne said he’s already vetting other wild man prospects to take his place who, like him, can “brazen through the hypocrisy of modern society by loudly disrupting its socially constructed niceties.”

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