11:46 am
14 December 2017

Mormon Church Gives Approval for Medical Masturbation

Mormon Church Gives Approval for Medical Masturbation

In an unprecedented move, LDS Church leaders announced during the Saturday morning session of General Conference that they had given their approval to masturbation that serves a legitimate medical need. The policy sea change comes after years of pressure from mental health advocacy groups who argue that guilt and shame surrounding self-abuse has led to the unnecessary suffering of too many youth in the Mormon Church.

“Young Mormons have all of this sexual energy bottled up inside them. Inside their testicles, specifically. They need a safe and effective way to release this energy without the accompanying crippling guilt that many of them feel,” said mental health expert James Dilworth.

It should be noted this policy change is not extended to females to caress their genitals in an effort to experience the mind-altering dopamine rush brought on by orgasm. In a statement, Church spokesman Michael Otterson said, “As of now, this policy only allows for Mormon priesthood holders with a medical need to pleasure themselves sexually without feeling the debilitating shame that comes from rubbing one’s genitals to the point of completion. Females, as is well known, are pure and virtuous and don’t have the same sexual desires and needs that males have.”Factory Back In Business

However, not just any Mormon male can take advantage of the Church’s new stance. A statement released by the Church reads: “This policy requires that Mormon males visit a mental health professional approved by LDS Family Services, and receive a note that confirms that the individual’s mental health will benefit by repeatedly stroking his penis until it erupts in orgiastic bliss, spraying pent up sexual frustration all over an old t-shirt of their choice.”

Mormon males have enthusiastically embraced the Church’s new position, in much the same way they’ll soon be enthusiastically embracing their aroused manhood. “I’m just relieved,” said one singles ward attendee who wished to remain anonymous. “Like seriously relieved, because ya know, I can masturbate.”

At press time, therapists at LDS Family Services have had phones ringing off the hook. “I’ve filled up three months worth of appointments in the last three hours,” said psychologist Kelsey Jeffries. “It appears that there’s a real need in the Mormon community to be able to put lotion on an erect penis and vigorously massage it until sperm comes out.”

12 comments

  • Are you kidding me? Females don’t have the desires and needs? That’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. Females are just for reproducing right? Other than that they are useless. I get it.

    Reply
    • Er, you do realize that this is a website for parodies, right? It’s similar to The Onion. What you seriously called “a load of shit” is indeed “a load of shit”! Read their other articles if you want to see more of their sense of humor.

      Reply
  • Can you reference where directly you got the information for this new release of information? I’m trying to research it and watched the Saturday Session and Priesthood session for General Conference but heard no mention of this. Also can you reference as to where this statement is that Otterson has made publicly? Thanks!

    Reply
  • That’s BS. The way they state ‘to put lotion on their penis and rub it vigorously until eruption of sperm’ they state it in a… Sinful matter as though medical masturbation is still a sin and what’s the deal with girls??? Some girls get desires as much as men I think this is sexist and ignorant. I agree with the concept of medical masturbation but the deal with no girls needing it is a load of crap. And also how they state everything.

    Reply
  • It’s a parody, much like what you’d find in The Onion. In other words, there is no real reference although like all parodies, it’s based on facts, i.e. the traditional Mormon disapproval of masturbation. If you’re doing research to assuage your own guilt from masturbation, just ignore this nonsense and enjoy yourself!

    Reply
  • To all the LDS people reading these articles, I speak as a devout Mormon of 36 years: These are SATIRES, i.e., articles of sarcasm, deliberately written to entertain the non-LDS, appease the questioning LDS, and irritate the devout LDS.

    They are enjoying ENORMOUS pleasure when you look up their “references” and fight back. You are making their day with every single moment you spend frantically “standing up for truth.”

    Make a choice: DON’T READ THIS STUFF, and go about your lives in peace, or read it with the slanted eyes these buffoons are using to look at you. Who gives a flip what these people are saying? The truth seekers will finally consult the church, and those who fight against us will eat themselves from the inside out with their acridity. The Church is big enough to withstand this – bigger people than these have assailed us and fallen away. Big deal.

    This article, however, was just plain filthy, written in any context.

    Reply

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