In an unprecedented move, LDS Church leaders announced during the Saturday morning session of General Conference that they had given their approval to masturbation that serves a legitimate medical need. The policy sea change comes after years of pressure from mental health advocacy groups who argue that guilt and shame surrounding self-abuse has led to the unnecessary suffering of too many youth in the Mormon Church.
“Young Mormons have all of this sexual energy bottled up inside them. Inside their testicles, specifically. They need a safe and effective way to release this energy without the accompanying crippling guilt that many of them feel,” said mental health expert James Dilworth.
It should be noted this policy change is not extended to females to caress their genitals in an effort to experience the mind-altering dopamine rush brought on by orgasm. In a statement, Church spokesman Michael Otterson said, “As of now, this policy only allows for Mormon priesthood holders with a medical need to pleasure themselves sexually without feeling the debilitating shame that comes from rubbing one’s genitals to the point of completion. Females, as is well known, are pure and virtuous and don’t have the same sexual desires and needs that males have.”
However, not just any Mormon male can take advantage of the Church’s new stance. A statement released by the Church reads: “This policy requires that Mormon males visit a mental health professional approved by LDS Family Services, and receive a note that confirms that the individual’s mental health will benefit by repeatedly stroking his penis until it erupts in orgiastic bliss, spraying pent up sexual frustration all over an old t-shirt of their choice.”
Mormon males have enthusiastically embraced the Church’s new position, in much the same way they’ll soon be enthusiastically embracing their aroused manhood. “I’m just relieved,” said one singles ward attendee who wished to remain anonymous. “Like seriously relieved, because ya know, I can masturbate.”
At press time, therapists at LDS Family Services have had phones ringing off the hook. “I’ve filled up three months worth of appointments in the last three hours,” said psychologist Kelsey Jeffries. “It appears that there’s a real need in the Mormon community to be able to put lotion on an erect penis and vigorously massage it until sperm comes out.”