08:08 pm
16 October 2017

Members of Ordain Women Admitted Into Priesthood Meeting for First Time, Immediately Regret it

Members of Ordain Women Admitted Into Priesthood Meeting for First Time, Immediately Regret it

For the first time in the 184 year history of the LDS Church, women were allowed to attend the traditionally male-only priesthood session — and right away just wanted to go home.

“It’s a huge victory for feminism and for women of faith, yes,” said Sister Annalee Blackburn, a member of the Ordain Women movement. “But between you and me, this is really boring.”

“Seriously? It’s just talks?” said Lynnettee Lon, another sister who spent years trying to get into priesthood session.  “Not a single miracle healing, no secret handshakes — not even, like, a magic trick? What’s the deal?”

Young men in attendance were happy to oblige the sisters joining the session.  When seats started running low, several hundred deacons offered to leave.  “Yeah, ladies first, you know?” Said Brayston Taylor, a 14-year-old Aaronic Priesthood holder attending his third priesthood session. “But my dad made me stay. I would have much rather given them my spot so I could go home and play video games instead of being told for the umpteenth time that pornography corrodes the soul. Look, I’m 14 — I wanna see tits. Give me a break, guys.”

To verify the complaints of the women who gained entry into the formerly exclusive session, Bugle correspondents attempted to view the Priesthood session in its entirety. However, forty-five minutes into viewing, near-suicides stemming from the cruel and inhumane experience necessitated an abrupt stop to the endeavor.

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