04:33 am
18 January 2018

A Former Mormon’s 1st Semiannual Objective Response to General Conference

A Former Mormon’s 1st Semiannual Objective Response to General Conference
Bassist for garage rock band, "Catcher in the Mahonri."

The Riffster here, folks. You’ll all be glad to know I have more insight to bequeath unto you well-intended masses partaking of the opiate known as religion. Since my last epistle, I’ve read dutifully and extensively on philosophy, religion and scienceso grab a pen and paper and lend a grateful ear.

I had the obligatorily kind fortune to attend a dinner with a friend of mine with his family, all of whom, excepting him, are Mor[m]on. The family was so ecstatically unrestrained in happiness that it was hard to watch. Though still garbed in Sunday best, they went about preparing for dinnersmiles and allas if everything was fine. Poor fools; little did they know just how emaciated their dying dogmatism really was.

I had decided beforehand that I would use this as an opportunity to change their lives for the better. Yea verily, I would challenge their beliefs, right there at the dinner table, and if that was a problem it would be THEIR problem, and they’d surely thank me afterwards.

Right after the prayer, as everyone started to chow down on the roast beef, I asked this kindly Mormon mother if she had ever considered the possibility that Joseph Smith was a fraud. Just an honest question, you know? Since everyone was in rapt silence, I kept going. I expounded unto her and the family all the dirt — that Joseph Smith married a 14-year-old girl, that he used stones in a hat to “translate”*cough*transcribe*cough* the Book of Mormon, that his fraudulent bank in Kirtland is what led to the Mormons being driven out of there, and more. I kept talking and talking, and when they tried to say anything in return I pressed on with the truth and wasn’t going to stop until I had laid bare the intellectually fragile shell that is Mormonism.

And then it came to pass that, for some reasonthey asked me to leave. All I was trying to do was have an honest discussion, and theybeing stuck in their philistine way of lifekicked me out. I felt like Socrates, censored for supposedly corrupting the youth with the truth, for daring the LDS populace to see shades of gray in a world of black and white. Guilty as charged, I suppose. I’ve been getting this my whole life, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised now.

So while hordes flocked to the LDS Conference Center, to cultivate their ‘follower’ mentality while listening to the deplorable palaver (so despicably labeled ‘spiritual’) of men who lead away the hearts and minds of those they purport to save, I was here, cultivating my ‘leader’ mentality. Follow me if you want, but only at your own risk.

To you, the reader, I say this: invite me over. Let’s parlay over potluck. Let’s talk truth. Let’s discuss the Mormon fallacy of trying to put strictures on life when it’s so much more complex than they could ever imagine. Let me inundate you with knowledge and book recommendations. After all, why would you not want to talk to me? I make a truly mean lasagna.


  • You seem like a real authority on the subject of history… I forget that 20 something is the age of wisdom and knowledge.
    Thanks for being the average 20 something adolescent who hates religion and knows everything. The future of America? Pff…
    Who gives a shit if Joseph Smith married a 14 yr old girl or ran a bank into the ground? What kind of dumb stupid ass shit have you done? Plenty enough, I’m sure, not to mention most of it here.
    Grow up, and stop trying to be “right” about everything and prove everyone wrong so you seem intelligent. It makes you look dumber. Congrats, you dumbshit, “free-thinking”, wanna be intellectual fake.
    Come talk to me about the philosophies of Immanuel Kant, Thomas Inquinas, and Emmerson before you start spouting off your own wanna be psuedo-intellectualism.
    God, you must be so smart. Good for you. Check your history books and double check em. Then check them again. Then check your sources. Then stop reading Wikipedia and Internet blogs. Then understand cultural norms from 170 years ago from the standpoint of people who lived at that time. Then rethink all of your positions on the subject. That’s what intelligent and serious students of history do. They make sure they don’t talk out of their ass.
    You are a real gem. God I wish I knew as much as you and didn’t spend all that time in school (at non lds institutions) to understand history and our fleeting grasp on the events of even 5 years ago let alone 170 years ago. Goddam you must be a genious. Thanks. 🙂

    P.s. Yes I want you to feel like an idiot. You have a right to know what you are. Please become a real intellectual. Then let’s talk.

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