11:28 am
17 August 2017

Corpse of Joseph Smith Attempts to Destroy LDS.org For Revealing His Spiritual Wifery

Corpse of Joseph Smith Attempts to Destroy LDS.org For Revealing His Spiritual Wifery

For Church Office Building security officer Jed Jeppesen, this will be one All Hallows’ Eve he will never forget.

“Halloween has never really been a big deal around here,” said a visibly shaken Jeppesen. “Nobody dresses up, there ain’t no decorations or nothing, so when I saw what I saw this morning—I ain’t ashamed to say it—I nearly soiled myself.”

What Jeppesen saw, and what security camera footage has confirmed, was the reanimated corpse of Joseph Smith stalking the halls of the worldwide headquarters of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

“I seen this tall figure in my monitors stumbling about the restricted access area just outside the tunnel that connects the building to the temple across the street,” Jeppesen said. “Ain’t nobody supposed to be down there except Mr. Monson, so I knew something was up.”Reanimated Corpse of Joseph Smith

Jeppesen immediately radioed his supervisor and then headed to the basement.

“I round the corner and there he is—the Prophet Joseph, just as real as you or me, only he had this eerie green glow about him and the skin on his face was all messed up,” Jeppesen said. “He looked at me with his cold lidless eyes and said, ‘Brother Jed I need you to escort me as I carry out an important mission for the Lord.'”

According to Jeppesen, Smith then followed him to the elevators and the two ascended to the 14th floor. Smith then asked Jeppesen to use his access key card to open the doors to the server room, home to the network operations center that hosts all of the church’s web content. When Jeppesen asked why he needed to get into the server room Smith replied that he needed to destroy LDS.org because it had been recently “spreading heinous lies about my involvement in the new and everlasting covenant of marriage.” When Jeppesen refused Smith became enraged and attempted to smash through the room’s glass doors. At this point Jeppesen drew his service revolver and pointed it at Smith.

“So I says to him I says ‘Listen here sir, I am supposed to follow the living prophet, you hear me? The living prophet. Now I don’t reckon I know what exactly you are, but you don’t look live to me,'” Jeppesen said. “Well—he didn’t like that one bit.”

Jeppesen said that Smith then started stomping around the room, wailing and smashing windows with his fists. Jeppesen fired a warning shot over Smith’s head that seemed to do nothing to stop the rampaging prophet.

“I thought for sure he was going to bring the whole building down,” Jeppesen said. “Just when I had resigned myself to destruction all the sudden he grabs me by both arms and picks me up and holds me just an inch or two from his awful face. And then he spoke real slow and steady like and said ‘Brother Jed, I had a printing press in Nauvoo destroyed for printing what is now on my own church’s infernal website’ and then he dropped me like a sack of dirt and shuffled off and we ain’t seen him since.”

In a prepared statement to the press Michael Otterson, managing director of public affairs for the LDS church, said that he empathizes with the deceased prophet. “We know that our renewed commitment to transparency will try the testimonies of some of our members, even those that have passed beyond this earthly existence. We ask that all of our brothers and sisters, no matter which side of the veil they might find themselves, will maintain a respectful manner when confronting these issues.”

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