08:50 pm
17 January 2018

Midvale Man Who Lived Every Day Like It Was His Last Dies Horribly

Midvale Man Who Lived Every Day Like It Was His Last Dies Horribly

Midvale resident Draxton Bingham, age 27, passed away Tuesday night of what appears to be a combination of several free-spirited choices gone awry. This was a tragic end for a man whom friends and family say “lived every day like it was his last.”

“Draxton believed that life is too short not to do whatever you want to do all of the time,” confided Bingham’s sister Taelynne, “So, yeah, he was in terrible shape. His health was very bad.”

Former co-workers fondly  remembered Draxton’s zest for freedom.

“Oh, he loved this job! Graphic design was always his passion, but nobody would want to work on their last day alive, you know?” said Jessikuh Burton, a longtime co-worker of Bingham’s, while clearing debris from a microwave Bingham had destroyed earlier that week. “When he decided to live every day like his last—such a free way to live—he started by tearing off his shirt like a werewolf, eating an entire cake in the break room, vomiting it on his computer and then telling us all to suck his balls, which, of course, were exposed the entire time.” Bingham also made sure that his feelings for Burton were known, “Uh… yeah, he ripped my blouse open with his teeth and cried on my chest, telling me how much he’d always loved me. He did that every day for about two weeks; all of it—the balls, the boobs, the cake, every jot and tittle.”

Draxton’s carefree take on life is often relayed in popular music, films, philosophy, and other bullshit. “Live each day as if it’s your last,” was Draxton’s motto, and the now-deceased wild one saw to it that his obituary would begin with that phrase. Taking it to heart, Bingham awoke each day at 2pm, ate a carton of ice cream and one roasted chicken, quit his job in lewd and outrageous ways, confessed his love to Jessikuh, shot a gun off of a tall building and otherwise lived as though tomorrow brought no consequences whatsoever. Bingham also offered a full-throttled denunciation of the popular acronym YOLO, interspersed with muddled phrases alternately ending with “ya’ll don’t know me” or “ya’ll can’t be/see me.”

“It was most likely the heroin injected into his face that killed him,” recounted Salt Lake County coroner Kip Renning, “but it was sort of a crowded field there at the end so it’s hard to know for sure.” Draxton’s autopsy had been ordered by the State due to his possible connection to a string of grisly murders, “Mr. Bingham was certainly committed to his ‘live like you’re going to die tomorrow’ thing, no question,” Dr. Renning continued, “who would exercise on their last day alive? Or floss? Or, you know, eat real food? It almost makes it seem like bad advice.”

Draxton’s brave and free-spirited take on life lasted 19 paradigm-shattering days before a cascade of short-sighted life choices finally made “live like you’re going to die” a reality for him.