White people all over Utah rejoiced as white police officer Darren Wilson was not indicted by a mostly white grand jury in Ferguson, Missouri.
“I’ve been on edge ever since that white cop defended himself against that unarmed, highly dangerous black person,” said white guy Cleon Cummings of Bluffdale. “I was terrified that this was going to be one more case of injustice against a white guy. But it’s good to see that things are finally turning around in this country.”
Every year, dozens of black men unjustly cause white cops trauma, as they force the officers to gun them down in alarming numbers.
“White communities are being torn apart by all of the injustice against white police officers,” said white Saratoga Springs resident Janice Thorpe. “Even in our own mostly homogeneous community by the lake, we had some [basically] unarmed black guy force a white officer to shoot him 7 times in the back. All the white people have been on edge. It’s like you never know when some [essentially] unarmed black person is going to incite a white officer to violence.”
White locals around the state have only been able to watch and pr[a/e]y in horror, as white police officers in military grade vehicles face hordes of unarmed black terrorists protesting justice on the streets of Ferguson.
“I don’t know why they hate us so much. It’s so unfair that I’m constantly singled out, just for being white,” said Thorpe. “Black people have no idea what it’s like to be white. They don’t understand the burdens of systemic privilege, and what that does to us. They all think that once the Civil War ended, so too did privilege. I’m here to tell them, privilege is alive and well, and it’s flippin’ ROUGH.”
At press time, several white police officers around the state indicated worry at the prospects of the angry sentiments, and outrage at the justice in Ferguson spilling over into the Beehive State, possibly forcing them into situations requiring the use of deadly force against unarmed black people.