09:39 am
24 June 2017

SLC Mayor Biskupski Strikes Deal With Dyson to Clean Up Inversion

SLC Mayor Biskupski Strikes Deal With Dyson to Clean Up Inversion

In an unprecedented collaboration between private enterprise and Salt Lake City, Mayor Jackie Biskupski and British inventor James Dyson–the two wearing medical masks both for flourish and out of necessity–cut the ribbon on a bold plan to end the inversion once and for all.

“So many Salt Lake residents get up in arms over the inversion this time of year, usually as they are commuting to work alone in their vehicle,” said a spokesperson for Biskupski’s office. “In order to tackle this issue, we’ve decided to build a huge AM07 tower fan among our downtown’s skyscrapers that will effectively circulate and clean up the polluted air.”

Dyson’s cutting edge status on the front of air and fan technology will now be increased many orders of magnitude to essentially clean the city the same way their smaller devices keep air fresh in living rooms across the world. As the mayor herself said, it’s a decidedly practical solution.

“Yes, people could drive less by utilizing public transportation or carpooling, and the pollution output of local corporations could be regulated [laughter]. But come on, let’s not kid ourselves,” Biskupski chuckled. “That’s something like, uh, the idea of world peace–a good thought, but it’s not gonna happen.”

The decision to build this monolith flies in the face of inversion deniers–like state representative John Knotwell–who have their own thoughts about the smog that overtakes the city every winter.

“It’s a natural cycle of the Earth at this point. I mean, it happens every January,” said Rep. Knotwell. “Besides, even if it is caused by man, it is no doubt God’s will, perhaps punishment for the several homosexual clubs that exist in our city. I’m sorry to tell you that no Dyson product can fix what is a moral problem.”

Citizens and corporations alike are thrilled since the new plan means no positive behavioral changes will be required. However, the energy requirements to run the newest member of Salt Lake’s skyline–as well as a lack of something to complain about–will surely pose some challenges.

4 comments

  • POLICE AND PRISON REFORMS.
    FELONY CHARGE REFORMS
    MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION
    BETTER HEALTHCARE – ACCESS TO MEDICINE AND TREATMENTS
    FIX MINIMUM WAGES
    TAX THE RIGHT PEOPLE
    REMOVE MONSANTO!

    Reply
  • “punishment for the several homosexual clubs” Holy shit, give that up and live your own life and quit blaming things on people that don’t live your lifestyle. #you’reajokerepknotwell

    Reply
  • Did he really just blame the inversion on homosexuality??? Wow that’s some serious crazy talk – I’m blaming the inversion on religious fanatics.

    Reply

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