05:49 pm
17 February 2018

Mitt Running ’16: Romney Officially Announces He Will Run… A Marathon!

Mitt Running ’16: Romney Officially Announces He Will Run… A Marathon!

TERRIFIC: A resounding “heck yeah!” echoed down the Wasatch Front as speculation of Mitt Romney’s decision to run became reality.

“I knew that Mitt would do exactly this,” said longtime friend Kem Gardner, a real estate developer who helped bring Romney to Utah to save the 2002 Winter Olympics. “I think over the next few months, a lot of training will happen. I mean, heck, he saved the Olympics, what’s stopping him from competing in the Olympics!”

Speaking from his well-manicured lawn, Mitt Romney—whose deck’s perimeter is adorned with various flora which so fully resembles his parted hair that it must be intentional—began his address with a quick swig of high-pulp orange juice followed by the remark, “tasty,” and a good-ol’-boy wink to his son Tagg.

Romney then announced to the delights of a hand-selected multitude that MITT ROMNEY WILL BE RUNNING a marathon. Romney’s sons then joined in the announcement; Josh filmed Tagg on Vine as he unveiled some signage. “I looked up a sign-making company,” said Tagg, “bought its assets, had them make these signs, and conveniently closed up the shop. It was barely in the black, so it really wasn’t worth keeping open, but they must certainly be proud of the superb final order they created! MITT RUNNING ‘16! Yes!”

Utahn supporters took to social media to proclaim anticipatory glee such as: “I just know that he is right for the marathon” and that, “he, like, predicted some of the marathon routes that are totally in the race now” and, “that documentary was so good, didn’t you see him rolling around in the snow? I just know with every fiber of my being that he’s got at least 26.2 in him.”

“It’s as if he doesn’t know when or how to stop,” said Tiff Aughning, a Draper-based window contractor. “Like he doesn’t know the meaning of the word quit. Golly, you gotta give it to the man—he sure does want to win!”

The former governor of Massachusetts didn’t win over everyone, however. “Yeah, like the guy in the $10,000 suit is going to run in a marathon. Come on!” said Weber State anthropology sophomore Joe Blusian.

The MITT RUNNING ‘16 campaign is in the works to create an app in order to collect donations for the multimillionaire’s marathon fees and dues. “There’s two things I always say,” said Romney in his penultimate statement, “first: yacht always rhymes with fought; and second: you can darn near accomplish anything through hard work and a nest egg from your rich father.”

“I am going to do something that Chris Christie cannot do!” Romney said to adulatory applause, “By that, I mean he probably cannot run a marathon due to his decision to avoid the necessary fitness. I mean, did you see him at the Cowboys playoff game? Oh boy! It’s his choice, my friends, his choice,” said the over-explanatory joke killer, who smiled, pensive, as he fastened his fanny pack for a representative trot around his yard.