10:06 pm
15 December 2017

State Legislature Apparently Not An Assemblage of Total Asshats

State Legislature Apparently Not An Assemblage of Total Asshats

The Utah legislature proved they are not a complete waste of public funding nor a totally ineffectual legislative body yesterday after approving an anti-discrimination bill that offers basic rights and protections to LGBT persons.

More than the passage of the bill, which guarantees individuals in the community are treated as people instead of subhuman, citizens and politicians alike stood all amazed that Utah’s notoriously misguided consortium of goons managed to focus on and pass a meaningful piece of legislation.

“It shows a remarkable amount of maturity and being in touch with humanity that I’m not used to seeing with that group of knuckleheads up on the Hill,” said one citizen. “Say, you think we can get Elder Dallin H. Oaks to back the medical marijuana bill next year?”

“Wait, we’re up here promoting civility and decency in our state instead of the defunding of education or nonsensical alcohol laws?” said one befuddled lawmaker. “I gotta say, this new apprehension of civic responsibility is something new and different from us, your elected officials.”

The bill may be a victory for the LGBT community, but it is also being viewed skeptically for its religious exemptions, which still allows Church-influenced operations–and in some cases individual exemptions–to discriminate on religious grounds.

“I think it’s great,” said an LDS bishop who preferred to remain anonymous. “I was worried at first, but turns out I can continue to instill feelings of isolation and guilt in the same-sex-attraction-challenged members of my flock without fear of recrimination from the law, and I still don’t have to marry any of them. So it’s win-win if you ask me.”

At press time, state lawmakers regressed to their old ways and scheduled a forum discussion on possible laws prohibiting anal sex in public restrooms for next year’s legislative session.

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