Pres. Obama made Utah his penultimate visit of the 50 states while serving as president, and the reason is leaving 73% of the state’s residents furious.
Obama announced he’s decided to build a huge white house directly across the street from Mitt Romney’s home in Holladay. Obama envisions a grand mansion with 67,000 ft² of floor space in the neo-classical federal style, with details that echo classical Greek Ionic architecture. It will be built on an 18-acre plot of land.
“Jumping junipers, I mean the lot had been empty for so long, I figured it was a city park or something,” said a clearly frazzled Romney, as his son Tagg massaged his shoulders. “It’s where Ann flies her kites. Darn it. You know, I really dropped the ball and could have had that lot and my own white house. Not sure where I went wrong. Gosh dang it.”
The 44th president unveiled a blueprint of the prospective home, which will have 16 bedrooms and 35 bathrooms. “It will have, I dunno, two wings, four stories, eight staircases, three elevators, and both a basement and a sub-basement. Yes, it can,” said Obama. The leader of the free world’s residence is set to be 170 feet wide by 85 feet deep and 58 feet high, with plans for the south face to have a round portico, while the north face will have a square portico.
Pres. Obama doubled-down the Kanye-like swagger of such a move when he said to the press, “Ughhhh, look. Tell neighbor Mitt not to get his khakis in a bunch—Look, I’m only about 47% certain that I’ll actually move in.” The president then smiled, fist-bumped Jon Huntsman, and chipperly strode to his motorcade.
Rep. Jason Chaffetz was on the scene foaming at the mouth, and said, “I will investigate this lot purchase till the dogs come home. Golly, I’m in the process of trying to build my own white house, so I know a thing or two about this. He’s been secretive for sure. Been guise-y. Benghazi. Benghazi!”