02:11 pm
20 November 2017

BREAKING: Moses Confirmed as Conspirator in Elder Bednar’s Parted Hair

BREAKING: Moses Confirmed as Conspirator in Elder Bednar’s Parted Hair

Add Elder David A. Bednar’s hair to the Red Sea as Moses’ shittum-wood bucket list of things he’s parted.

Biblical powerhouse prophet Moses is a frequent specter rather than heavenly spectator with regard to the latter days, and his knack for bifurcation is once again being employed for a higher purpose.

According to a small anecdote embedded within a story of good old fashioned rule fidelity, the youngest apostle—whose immaculate hair is known by all to be parted as straight and narrow as the rule-calibrated road he so often speaks on— enlists the help of the Man Who Once Floated Down the Nile in a Basket to part his divinely coiffed hair.

“If I’m to instruct others to live a true, undisheveled life, then I must set the example,” Elder Bednar said, standing in front of a mirror and admiring his heavenly partition.

The Bringer of Chiseled Rules of Heavenly Import on Stone Tablets appears to the young apostle on Tuesdays and Fridays on the fourth floor of the SLC Temple and said that while this is definitely not on par with communing with a burning bush, it is still a task he accepts.

“I’m happy to help,” said the Liberator of the Jews. “At the same time, I’m starting to feel like a one-trick pony. I can do other things, you know. I also once hit a rock to make water gush out, and transformed that same staff into a snake. But it seems I’ve been relegated to role of splitting things in twain.”

A direct rebuttal to those who say the Church has lost its Biblical vigor and that the age of miracles is dead, this new revelation shows the doors to heaven are open, indeed. And it would appear that somewhere within the House of the Lord, just outside the godly conduit’s preferred room, there is a colored barber’s pole involved, spinning accordingly unto revelatory necessity.

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