08:44 pm
17 January 2018

BREAKING: LDS Church Prepares To Baptize Dead Grass From LA Temple Lawn

BREAKING: LDS Church Prepares To Baptize Dead Grass From LA Temple Lawn

LOST ANGELES: After the dire state of the Los Angeles LDS Temple’s lawn was widely reported as having died, local congregants and lawn maintenance volunteers released a statement to assuage its faithful tourists and cousin-of-the-wedded photographers: the church is making preparations to baptize the the dead grass of the Santa Monica Boulevard-adjacent lawn.

“Because all the grass upon the earth has not had the opportunity to be baptized by proper authority during its growth on earth, lawn baptisms may be performed by proxy, meaning a living person or a well-calibrated sprinkler system may baptize the grass on behalf of its deceased nature,” said Enoch Arrington, who heads the maintenance crew in the area for the church. “What this lawn definitely needs is immersion. It needs to be born afresh.”

The California drought and its attendant regulations led the church to brown the lawn in order to save water. All this in order that they may Save the grass by water. The logistics of the baptism have yet to be released by the PR-savvy church.

“Like a faithless relative in the sunset of age, sometimes it’s best to [baptize them] after they die,” said a winking Arrington, who then stressed he did not speak on behalf of the church as a whole.

“Dude, those in charge of landscaping are so merciful,” said Bobby Thurman, a member from Oxnard who’d just visited the temple grounds and was headed to Earth, Wind, & Flour for pizza with his family. “I know the church is true with every blade of grass of my being.”

Not all of the rumored actions of environmental conservancy at the LA Temple are verified. The tittle-tattle with regard to light dimmers in the Celestial Room is “wholly unsubstantiated,” according to one worthy source who requested anonymity. “The grass may be yellowish brown instead of green, but like a fantastic banana, it’s tasteful enough for the House of the Lord.”