04:29 am
18 January 2018

“Actually, Some of Our Best Players Are Colored,” Respond Orem Owlz

“Actually, Some of Our Best Players Are Colored,” Respond Orem Owlz
Hootz the Owl, official mascot of the Orem Owlz.

The Orem Owlz, Utah Valley’s minor league baseball team, has ran a’fowl’ of sensibility after its ‘Caucasian Heritage Night’ promotional event left folks across the nation ‘hootin’ and hollerin’.

The Owlz ate crow after its excessively recessive event was canceled, but the team insists the whole uproar is just a big misunderstanding. A coterie of PR specialists has attempted damage control in the wake of the controversy.

“Let me explain—I know this has blown up and sort of looks bad,” said Owlz spokesman Mortimer Russell. “There’s a significant portion of Utah Valley residents whose ancestors came from the Caucasus region to make a better lives for themselves in America. We wanted to celebrate the unique cultural heritage in our community, that’s all. It had nothing to do with race, promise.”

“We as an organization respect and honor all people, regardless of creed, heritage, beliefs, or background,” continued Russell. “It’s always been a goal of our franchise to be sensitive to the differences that make us unique in our community. Actually, some of our best players are colored.”

“Remember, in the filmic masterpiece Dumb and Dumber‘s seminal scene—filmed in the Union Pacific Depot’s Grand Hall in SLC, mind you—it was the white Snow Owl who was killed with Lloyd Christmas’s projectile wine cork. And just as that party “really died,” so too died our white party.”

The whole kerfuffle has also ‘ruffled the feathers’ of team mascot Hootz the Owl, who stepped beyond his role of mascot to that of team spokesmanimal.

“People are saying we don’t give a ‘hoot’ about racial sensitivity, but I assure you such sentiments are as rarefied in this organization as my spotted cohorts are in the wild,” said Hootz, who sources say still harbors resentment against the exploits of Dell Schanze.

A press release released by the franchise said that caucasian night was meant for family fun, and making light of the avocations of the privileged class (mayonnaise, clips of Friends & Seinfeld, etc). In response, Larry Thomas, the actor whose infamous ‘Soup Nazi’ portrayal on Seinfeld led to his own promotional night at an Owlz game, has informed the Orem Owlz that there will be ‘no more Soup Nazi’ for them.

At press time, opponents of the ‘Take Down the Flag’ initiative, along with all libertarians, were rushing to the beleaguered franchise’s defense. #NotAllOwlz